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Helpful Tips for the over 50s

Never attempt bending down, except under strict medical supervision.
Develop the power of a photographic memory – take photographs of everyone you need to remember.
Use your ailing health to blackmail your children into doing all your gardening and housework.
Avoid the company of young people they are a sad reminder of your long lost youth.
Keep a diary – it will be a great source of comfort and a handy reminder of what you did yesterday.
Cultivate friendships with people much older than yourself. This will make you feel so much younger.
Finding your false teeth can be difficult when you mislay your spectacles. Always keep these vital items attached to you by pieces of string.
No one will ever notice your frightful wrinkles if you only go out when it’s dark.
Modern science enables even fifty year olds to have the youthful looks of a teenager – a simple head transplant is all it takes.
Should you ever get the urge to go ‘all night clubing’ apply the simple rule – forget it!!
Buy a computer, digital camera and a MP3 player. Although you’re incapable of understanding how to use them at least you’ll appear trendy.
Take the strain off your tired out memory by labelling all household objects – bed, fridge, television etc.
Look twenty years younger in an instant – borrow a baby and train it to call you ‘mummy’.
Save all hairs that come loose when you brush your hair – one day medical science may develop a means of replanting them.
Borrow a pram – pushing it around looks better than clutching a zimmer.
Try to enjoy your fifties as much as is possible – after all the horrendous sixties are looming.
Remember – Don’t Drink and Zimmer.