GUYS and BALLS...

*DISTINCTION BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls..
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the bottom and having the Balls to say, you're next, chubby.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

F A Qs
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do
the plants grow? ( UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ...
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the
hippo races.
Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake
serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a
kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and
eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I
can sell it in Australia ? ( )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Excellent!

SOME PEOPLE JUST AIN'T WRAPPED RIGHT...

1.I stopped at a McDonalds and ordered some fires....
The girl behind the counter said"Would you like some fries with that?"

2.One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted "Look at that dead bird!"
2 people looked up the sky and said "Where?"

3.While looking at a house,a man asked the Real Estate agent which direction was North
because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked,"Does the sun rise in the North?"
The man replied that the sun rises in the East and has for sometime
She shook her head and said.."Oh I don't keep yp with all that stuff"

4.A friend and I were eating our lunch in the cafeteria,when we overheard a lady talking
about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She had driven down in a convertible but said she didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving...

5.I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost baggage
office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
said I was in good hands.
Then she asked me..."Has your plane arrived yet?"

6.This is supposedly a true story:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a Congress man
happened to appear.
The Congressman took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him
a question with which he was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me,Doctor,how you detect a mental deficiency in someone who
appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier"he replied,"You ask a question which anyone should answer with no trouble.
If the person hesitates,that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question ?" asked the Congressman

"well, you might ask,'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?"

The Congressman thought for a moment,then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?I must confess I don't
know much about history.."

THE WORLD IS GONNA END....NO MORE TWINKIES !?!?!?!

http://news.yahoo.com/no-more-...20733--abc-news.html

NAVY PARROT

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”

The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!”

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the ki...ds raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different..again.... ... Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

FIGHTER PILOTS....FACTS...

Facts about Fighter Pilots



Fighter pilots are absolutely irresistible to women, who will drop their panties
if a fighter pilot so much as enters the room.

Fighter pilots are highly skilled and take pride in their ability to consume
massive quantities of alcohol, and can speak in complete sentences consisting
entirely of swear words.All real fighter pilots are men!

How do you tell if a fighter pilot is in the room?
Just wait a minute... He'll tell you!

Fighter pilots always wear large dark sunglasses.

Fighter pilots drive the fastest, most flashy car money can buy, and they always
have the speedometer on the peg.

The secret ingredient in Red Bull is sweat from a fighter pilots ass crack,
which explains the drinks peculiar taste, and its ability to 'give you wings'!

Fighter pilots wear a bigger watch than you. It's an easier target for when they
shoot it with their hands.

Fighter pilots do not high-five.

Fighter pilots do not carry briefcases.

Most fighter pilots chase women with cute asses.
A-10 fighter pilots chase women with cute purses.

Fighter pilots subsist on a diet consisting entirely of coffee, cigars, chewing
tobacco, beer, and whiskey.

Fighter pilots are better and cooler than you.

Fighter pilots each have their own 'Verizon network' consisting entirely of
Bikini clad beer girls with loose morals.
Can you beer me now? Good.

Fighter pilots usually are given testosterone-ridden call signs like 'Jockstrap'
or 'Whiplash'.
However, those who try to name themselves are invariably given the call sign 'Manbitch' or 'Maggot'.

Fighter pilots are a dying breed: The last fighter pilot has been born.
In 20 Years, all fighters will be unmanned.
The world will be a sadder place for it and YOU will NEVER be a fighter pilot.

Fighter pilots can fly ANYTHING, better than anyone else.
They could even fly heavy transport aircraft, but they would certainly never want to, nor do they
NEED to.

Fighter pilots are often seen as exceedingly arrogant and full of themselves.
However, they have earned it, so do not scoff, remember that YOU will never get
to fly that fighter jet!

If you wish to take down a fighter pilot, don't even think about it when he's
anywhere within a hundred kilometers of his flying metal monster.
Wait till he's on the ground and you have an M1 Abrams at your disposal.
Unless he's flying an F-4, in which case you're screwed.

They don't give a shit if the pattern is full.
They WILL buzz the tower whenever they damn well please.

The Thunderbirds and Blue Angels are NOT fighter pilots.
They are Movie Stars.
They are usually re-admitted to the role of the fighter pilot when they move on
to their next assignments.

Fighter pilots have a secret hand gesture and handshake.
They will never tell you what they are, and you will never see them do them in public (unless you are
a hot, slightly drunk, 25-year old nymphomaniac stripper attending the O-Club on
a Friday night.)



A fighter pilot is one of those elite men who has been selected to fly sleek,
sexy, supersonic aircraft in dazzling aerial combat, as well as put on cool Air
Shows and pose for photographs. Only the best pilots in the world get to be
fighter pilots. The rest fly slow, heavy, ugly aircraft used to haul rubber dog
shit out of Hong Kong --- or worse --- Detroit.

Typically, fighter pilots wear elaborate uniforms which they claim are specially
designed to be fireproof to protect them in case of an emergency. Actually,
however, the uniforms are made of a special type of cloth which repels beer
stains. Note: You can tell the really 'shit hot' Fighter Pilots by the zipper on
the beer repelling uniform. The lower it is, the more skilled the aviator. These
"flight suits" also allow a fighter pilot to be able to get dressed and
undressed in under ten seconds flat, and also perform various skills such as
'ball-walking', a maneuver that might otherwise be impossible or painful in
normal attire.

Fighter pilots have been a part of every major conflict since that day, making
notable appearances in World Wars 1, 2, and 4. After the Vietnam War (actually
it was after WWII, but why quibble over details?), the United States Air Force
was created in 1947, and consists entirely of fighter pilots. In 1947, Chuck
Yeager, the first American fighter pilot, became the First man to fly faster
than the speed of light.

That's Not It



A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldierwould pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's notit" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have thesoldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that thesoldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it." he found, frown and say, "That's notit" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have thesoldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that thesoldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Isn't it Ironic?

The food stamp program, part of the Dept. of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps in history.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also a par tof the Dept. of Agriculture,asks us to "Please do not feed the animals" Because, the animals may grow dependant and not learn to take care of themselves.

These four older ladies who lived in Yugoslavia always sat outside together near the church.
They chatted about when they were younger.
About a month ago they pooled their money and together bought a laptop.

Never having been,but having heard about Flordia,they just happened to click on St.Augustine,FL.
They read about the FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH claimed by the Spainards when they arrived there.
They collected all their money the had and bought 4 bottles of water from the Fountain of Youth
and drank as directed...
BEFORE:

http://i1074.photobucket.com/a.../CHICKS/BEFORE-1.jpg



AFTER:

http://i1074.photobucket.com/a...5/CHICKS/AFTER-1.jpg