US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying,
"I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."

After a long silence, the husband says,
"She's not for sale."

The indignant wife says,
"What took you so long to answer?"

The husband replied,
"I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts." They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened"?

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

Best Reasons to Allow Drinking on the Job

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers.
The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?'
The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

4. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?'
'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

5. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

6. I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did.
She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded! ' To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!'
She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?'
My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.


.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon.
The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

I worked with an individual who plugged the power strip back into itself and for his life couldn't figure why the computer would not turn on.

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

That Larry kid...he sure is smart...






A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "



Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '

I stolded this from The Coachman...

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds...to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.but she scared me so much;I dropped my electric shaver ...
which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs!
Splashed, and burned Big Peter and the Twins,ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.

Damnwomen drivers!

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, and I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re taking a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. .

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer.

Earthquake in Washington; obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of

The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and
said:


"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These
are

Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State


Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Senator Nancy Pelosi."


The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and
said,

"Excellent trade, sir."

Wow thats alot..ok lets see...

"The Most Dangerous Phrases in the US Army
A Second Lieutenant saying "Based on my military experience..."
A Captain saying "You know, I was just thinking..."
A Warrant Officer saying "Watch this sh**...""

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.. "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it... "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him. " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT!" This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

This morning a coalition of muslim leaders from Kenya warned the United States that if military action against Muslim countries continues, they intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more Presidents either.

Works for me....

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
"I found out who ****ed in your saxophone."

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a
while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. The policeman noticed this and
stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that
bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers
come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
"Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot
hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his
thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK.,
buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.

"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."