Charles Dickens goes into a bar and orders a martini.. the bartender says: " Olive or Twist?"

Rocketeer goes into a bar and says to a hot young babe at the rail: " Where have you been all my life, sweetie?" She replies: " Well, for most of it, I wasn't born. "

quote:

Originally posted by SULLY1:
Well yes you did because I consider myself a very Senior Citizen.

OK from now on I'll ad a disclaimer....

" The opinions posted are not necessarily those of the poster...If you sre offended it is not our intention to offend...
Which translated means.....

Don't get your DEPENDS in a knot

AIRPLANES vs WOMEN

Fair and Unbiased..till "Lizbeth" reads it

Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

2 SHORT STORIES

Story 1.



Story 2.
1,) Satan's influence
2.) Human dishonesty
3.) Product liability

Story "What the h*ll, I used a condom, let's sue Trojan."

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks AND a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...



"Look Dad, You're the one who bought the f...in' Honda instead of a Harley, YOU RIDE IT!"

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2.. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee.. This is your peepee on drugs.

State SLogans...don't think these are real but what the hell

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the S
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes. And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: *****s and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family. Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men. and the sheep are scared!
__________________

POINTS....

Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.



Here is a guide to the points system:



SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed............................................... ..............+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..-1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....................-2
You leave the toilet seat up................................................ .-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty................+5
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5 in the rain....................+7
but return with beer.............................................. ...............-1
and no pads.............................................. .......................-25



You check out a suspicious noise at night....................+1
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing........ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You pummel it with a six iron............................................+1 0
It's her cat............................................... .........................-40



AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a school drinking buddy...............-2
Named Tiffany........................................... ..............-20
Tiffany is a dancer............................................ .......-50
With breast implants.......................................... ....-100



HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday...................................... +1
You buy a card and flowers......................................... +2
You take her out to dinner........................................... +5
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.........+6
Okay, it is a sports bar...............................................-20
And it's all-you-can-eat night.......................................-30
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..............-40



A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal............................................... ........... 0
The pal is happily married.......................................+1
The pal is single............................................ ........-10
He drives a Ferrari........................................... ......-20
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).........-30



A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie............................................. ..+2
You take her to a movie she likes.................................+5
You take her to a movie you hate..................................+8
You take her to a movie you like....................................-5
It's called Death Cop III............................................... .-10
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans......................-15
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-20



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly..........................................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it..+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts........-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too"............-1000



THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?

You hesitate in responding.........................-10
You reply, "Where?"................................ ..-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your big butt!;.......... Game Over- You lose

??????????????????????????????????????????????

WTH people I can't run the joke section by my self..pretty soon I'll start repeating..that's not good for someone that's 60 something.

WAKE UP PEOPLE

-50

WTH is the -50 for...I didn't do nuttin...WHYS EVER BODY ALWAYS PICKIN ON ME....

JUST WHAT IS......POLITICALLY CORRECT???

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Privates to Sergeants


Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'se gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates."

He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now."

Night Court Interviews


It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge. Three hookers stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irrate, "I don't know what all this is about, your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify.

The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, competition is really tough!"

This ones for COACHMAN...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring.... Ring... Ring... (--Automated Answer)


"Thank you for calling Technical Support."

"All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician."


"The waiting time is now estimated at between 15 minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad.

Followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind."