I don't know if this one has been posted yet, but it cracked me up!

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

DING DONG...

Sheesh did I really type that...I gotta get more coffee.....

Woman's Darker side





A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.



It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.



She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.



She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.



Then she remembered her husband.



Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.



The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'



The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.



The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

Heres to you and me nvrbtdt

Oh my Satan! I would drop my bags and be speeding to the hospital of Sven was in the hospital!

Rocketeer pats Lizzie on the head.. " It's a joke, dear." [ women.. aren't they just so cute? ]

SIGH:

I wish this was a joke..

I just bought a couple of clip lights.. I won't embarrass them all over the weeb by saying who made them.. but..
the company has a tag line over the corporate address that reads: A PROUD USA COMPANY and under the address block it reads : MADE IN CHINA

Umm what you need a light on your clips for Rocketeer??

THE QUESTION..........

A Husband and Wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question..

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay okay I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure it's a great house ."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND?: "No I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No she's left-handed."

WIFE: silence ................
HUSBAND: "Shit"

TOP TEN REASONS YOUR TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT..



10.YOU GET WINDED FROM KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

9. YOU HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER KID CHEW THE CANDY FOR YOU

8. YOU ASK FOR HIGH FIBER CANDY ONLY

7.WHEN SOMEONE DROPS A CANDYBAR IN YOUR BAG...YOU LOSE
YOUR BALANCE AND FALL OVER

6. PEOPLE SAY.."GREAT BORIS KARLOFF MASK"..AND YOUR NOT
WEARING A MASK

5. WHEN THE DOOR OPENS YOU YELL "TRICK OR ...." AND CAN'T REMEMBER
THE REST

4. BY THE END OF THE NIGHT YOU HAVE A BAG FULL OF RESTRAINING ORDERS

3. YOU HAVE TO CAREFULLY CHOSE A COSTUME ...THAT WON'T DIS LODGE
YOUR HAIRPIECE

2. YOUR THE ONLY "POWER RANGER" IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...WITH A WALKER

AND....THE NUMBER ONE REASON SENIORS SHOULDN'T GO TRICK OR TREATING

1.YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING HOME TO PEE

STICK I have to admit that is a good write but after talking about me like that I am glad you have friends in Low Places

I did't mention ANY names...did I ..???

From a San Francisco newspaper:



Remember...as you read this...this person probably drives and votes...
and may have already re produced

Well yes you did because I consider myself a very Senior Citizen.