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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 1423
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Posted
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 1423
|
Posted
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", No . not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are." Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 1423
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Posted
Things You Should Know 1
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. 3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle" 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. 6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. 10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. 11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog. 12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). 14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine. 16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. 17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented. Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 1423
|
Posted
Things You Should Know 2
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. 17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented. 18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before! 21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver! 22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. 24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white. 25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.) 26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.) 27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.. It's the same with apples! 30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! 31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. Oye! 32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. 33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 1423
|
Posted
He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the
bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked. "I used to be a helicopter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer. Now, really unsure, the barkeeper decided to give him a try . . . he really needed more business. "The piano is over there . . . give it a go." The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked. "It's called 'Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight'," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," . . . and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin', hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Tail Rotor Turn." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room. After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his penis was hanging out. He said, "The job is yours but first I've got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?" "Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v338/coachman/GUNSHIP.gif[/IMG]]  Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
 Location: On the Beach.
Registered: 08 March 2005
Posts: 900
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Posted
Remember this guy? I think He's working at WALMART now...
Ahh the good old daze... |
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 1423
|
Posted
Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I Like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and Last, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
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"Charletan and Montebank" Registered: 16 February 2005
Posts: 1318
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Posted
Ethel is in a nursing home and confined to a wheelchair.. Because she's a bit senile, the others tolerate her zipping up and down the corridors in and out of the various rooms.. As she's zooming toward the ' Sun Room ' Harry steps out into the hallway and raises his hand. " Halt, Young Lady. Let me see your Driver's License "..
Ethel hauls out a KitKat wrapper from her robe pocket. Harry waves her on. As she turns a corner, John sticks up his hand and says. " You got insurance for that vehicle? " Ethel digs into her pocket and finds a candy wrapper. John nods and lets her pass. As she turns the third corner. Bill steps out of his room stark naked and with a huge erection. Ethel screeches to a halt and shakes her head. " Oh, no.. not another breathylizer test! " Float like a Lepidoptera, Sting like a Hymenoptera |
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 1423
|
Posted
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.
Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat , a bronze Muslim cleric, & anything French." Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
 Location: wouldn't you want to know!!
Registered: 21 June 2005
Posts: 138
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Posted
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. If you'd been where I'd been... if you'd seen the things I'd seen!...... you'd be me... Or someone following me around... |
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Location: wouldn't you want to know!!
Registered: 21 June 2005
Posts: 138
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Posted
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." If you'd been where I'd been... if you'd seen the things I'd seen!...... you'd be me... Or someone following me around... |
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Location: wouldn't you want to know!!
Registered: 21 June 2005
Posts: 138
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Posted
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said “forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.”
If you'd been where I'd been... if you'd seen the things I'd seen!...... you'd be me... Or someone following me around... |
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Location: wouldn't you want to know!!
Registered: 21 June 2005
Posts: 138
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Posted
If government is going to put health warning labels on
beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "TheGunny". If you'd been where I'd been... if you'd seen the things I'd seen!...... you'd be me... Or someone following me around... |
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Location: wouldn't you want to know!!
Registered: 21 June 2005
Posts: 138
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Posted
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard ask: "What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost." If you'd been where I'd been... if you'd seen the things I'd seen!...... you'd be me... Or someone following me around... |
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Location: wouldn't you want to know!!
Registered: 21 June 2005
Posts: 138
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Posted
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopped him: “What’s going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!" the whiskey replied. And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"
If you'd been where I'd been... if you'd seen the things I'd seen!...... you'd be me... Or someone following me around... |
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