Story About Getting Even



One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled
Terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.



We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or
So. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.



My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.



My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.



They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.



The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.



The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.



He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant..



God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.



Now THAT, my friends, is getting even

trucker get second opinion
There's this truck driver every time he stops for the night at the truck stop ,he calls a lot lizard up in to his cab for sex.one day he notices his thing doesn't look so good ,so he goes to the doctor the doctor tells him its infected so bad that there going to have to cut it off. he starts to freak out.so he says i better go get a second opinion from another doctor.the second doctor says man its infected and going to have to be cut off ,this trucker is scared bad .so he calls his buddy and tells him his problem. his buddy tells him he knows of this asian doctor that uses herbs and may be able to help.the trucker say ill go right now. when the trucker gets there he shows the herbal doctor and tells hem that he has gone to 2 American doctor and they said they would have to cut it off.the Asian doctor then says them silly American doctors no need to cut off will fall off in 1 week

Hahahahaha! *LMAO* Coachman, you have the best jokes! Keep em' comin! I like the one about the Dem and the Republican and the hot air balloon so much I posted it on myspace as my joke of the day.

your welcome use any I post that you want.

Thanks! I shall make sure to give credit where it is due.

This is funny I hope it works

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hj01Sqi0zic

TOP 10 REASONS......

THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO THE PROPOSED HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A GOVERNMENT HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

Genie.....
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique
bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

' NO S***.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?

*tosses Coachman a shot of whisky* Thanks again for the great laugh! Going to use this as my joke of the day.

Please Don't Leave.......
At Sunday church, the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.


Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,
'Phuck him'.
__________________

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist
__________________

RULES OF THE AIR.......

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them."Fighter Pilots make MOVIES....HAULERS & BOMBERS make HISTORY but, HELO Pilots BEAT THE AIR INTO SUBMISSION

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

SEVEN KINDS OF SEX....

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a short time and you are so needy you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a long time. Yoursex has gotten routine and
you usually have sex only in your bedroom..

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for too long.. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
more. She takes you to court and screws you
in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy yourself.

2 MARINES...

Two US MARINES were listening to the radio in IRAQ...

"American soldiers",coos a soft female voice,"Your so-called national leaders
have lied to you.You are risking your lives to wage a usless,unjust,illegal,and
unwinnable war.Now is the time to return home to your loved ones,while you
are still alive.If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted,the
brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name
to the long,ever increasing casualty list of this insane war.
So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so called president who
has repeatedly lied and decieved you at every opportunity.
Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fat profits.
The only wise thing to do is return home now,while your still drawing breath,
before you return zippered in a body bag."

"What the hell is that" snerred one MARINE.."an Islamo-terrorist version of TOKYO ROSE?"

"No"..answers the other...."It's just CNN"

*dies laughing* Ah... my tax dollars hard at work...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uezJfTG9ELI