I cheated on the final of my metaphysics exam..

I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me..

quote: Woody Allen

classics are the best.

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem,
And tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'

The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.


Personal observation; Good thing his tounge ain't pierced with the same metal.

Lawyer with a Heart

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass."

"0h... Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along", the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well", the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Letter To The Bank
Subject: 86-year old lady's letter to bank

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.


I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.


From now on, I, l ike you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open suc h an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am n ot at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.


Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client


(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!


And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.



This is worth sharing

Wisdom of the Ancients: East vs West

Tomoji Tanabe, age 113, claimed the secret of his longevity was that he drank milk every day, did not smoke or drink and read the newspaper to keep his mind active.

Henry Allingham, age 113, veteran of WWI, attributed his longevity to cigarettes, whisky and wild, wild women.

the choice is yours..

This one will probably get me banned from the site.. but..

I'm sitting in a bar with my pal D'shaun and telling him about a weird dream I had.
ME: Weird, right? You ever have a weird dream you couldn't figure out?
HIM: Nope.. Black guys don't dream
ME: Bull &*^$ Everyone dreams
HIM: Not black guys.
ME: Why not?
HIM: Last Black guy who had a dream, they shot him
ME: [ Choking on a pretzel...]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow

for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line

when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have

little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was

starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,

because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50

pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out

of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that

it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply

eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally

complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to

mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with

my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because

the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff

an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

AARP Special Memo on our 'SENIOR DRESS CODE'

Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashion.

In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots.

12. Short shorts and varicose veins.

13. Inline skates and a walker..

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older folks..

14. Thongs and Depends.

A woman knocked on my door.. Turns out she's a Jehovah's Witness and she was flogging the Watchtower and trying to tell me that Prayer isn't reserved just for Church on Sundays.. That we should find prayer in everything we do..
Work, Play.. shopping, driving... everything.
So, just to wind her up I ask.. Should we pray during sex?
She stammers a bit and then pulling herself together says. " yes, you should, it is one of God's great gifts to us. "
so I say;" Does saying " Oh, God, Yes!! count? "

Over 5,000 years ago,Moses said to the children of Israel...
"Pick up your shovel...mount your asses and camels...and I will lead you to the promised land"

Nearly 75 years ago,Roosevelt said...
"Lay down your shovels...sit on your asses...light up a Camel...this is the promised land"

Now...Obama has...stolen your shovel...taxed your asses...raised the price of camels...
and mortaged the promised land
---------------------------------------------
Dr Calvin Rickson, Professor of Sports Medicine at Texas A&M University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and bouncing, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention,
a large group of men took Dr Rickson outside
and kicked the s*** out of him.

--------

Was just thinking about the US campaign against Al Quaeda and the Taliban and why it isn't working in the eyes of some.. It should have worked , after all they had a Dick [ Cheney ] against TWAT [ The War Against Terrorism ]..then I realized that Dick was using Covert Underground Neutralization Teams..and not telling anyone, so Congress claims..and that just doesn't work...he should have known that, since his daughter is a lesbian, and could have told him most Dicks don't know how to treat C*NTs and TWATs, if any Cosmo Questionnaires are to be believed.

McGregor a good ol Scottish farmer was grazin’ in his land one hot day in Scotland. He had been up since the arse crack of dawn, and in need of a nap. He finds his favorite willow tree, and falls fast asleep.

Later three nuns walk by laughing about the good ol’ days at the convent, and nun number one sees McGregor, and says “eye, I hear that McGregor has a mighty large member!”, and nun number two says “let’s see if it’s true!” Upon lifting his kilt they see that yes, McGregor DOES indeed have a large member! Nun number three takes a blue ribbon that was wrapped around her hair, and ties it around McGregor’s member, and they walk away laughing satisfied.

Hours later McGregor wakes up, and he has mornin’ wood like most men have upon waking from a good slumber. He lifts his kilt, sees his blue ribbon, and exclaims “EYE ME LAS! I DON’T KNOW WHO YA ARE, OR WHERE YA BEEN, BUT I’M SURE GLAD I GOT FIRST PLACE!”

NEW VIRUSES DETECTED
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus: Just does it.

Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
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