HURT FEELINGS REPORT

THE GOOD...THE BAD...THE UGLY

1. GOOD: Your wife is pregnant.
BAD: it's triplets.
UGLY: You had a vasectomy five years ago.





2. GOOD: Your wife's not talking to you.
BAD: She wants a divorce.
UGLY: She's a lawyer.


3. GOOD: Your youngest son is finally maturing.
BAD: He's involved with the woman next door.
UGLY: So are you.


4. GOOD: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.
BAD: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.
UGLY: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.


5. GOOD: Your oldest son understands fashion.
BAD: He's a cross-dresser.
UGLY: He looks better than your wife.


6. GOOD: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter.
BAD: She keeps interrupting.
UGLY: With corrections.


7. GOOD: Your son is dating someone new.
BAD: It's another man.
UGLY: He's your best friend.


8. GOOD: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job
BAD: As a hooker.
UGLY: Your co-workers are her best clients.
VERY UGLY: She makes more money than you do.

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot..... She did not know the answer.

She had used up her '50/50' Lifeline and her 'Ask the Audience'
Lifeline..... All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend was, well ... a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy.... The answer is 'C - the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is absolutely correct!
You are now a Millionaire!!!!!!!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the Million Dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant.
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.
They live in clocks!'

Sally fainted.....

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

Lost
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted
to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346
feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14..97 minutes north
latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude..

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with
your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you
are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

BUMPER STICKER.........
For the Ladies that carry

Mowin the yard:

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp Bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and get your nuts off at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point

I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had aome kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please Die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

The Gunny died and was sent to hell. (you all have known for a long time that he has been heading down that path anyway!)

A few seconds after his arrival, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said
“Why hello Gunny, I’ve been expecting you for some time now, welcome to Hell!

You’re just in time for dinner, please follow me.”

The Gunny followed the Devil rather nervously, wondering what was going to happen,
and was surprised to find a table piled high with delicious food waiting for him.

Assuming this was his last good meal before all hell started, he dug in.

When he was finished the Devil said, “Now allow me to show you to your quarters.”

The Gunny sighed and reluctantly followed the Devil down a long hallway.

He could hear terrible blood-curdling screams coming from behind a door at the end of the hall. “Well,” he thought, “this is it.”

But to his surprise the Devil turned left at the door, and led him down another hallway and outside towards a magnificent beach house with a Porsche in front.

When they got there the Devil handed the now confused Gunny the keys to house and car, wished him a nice stay and turned to leave.

The Gunny couldn’t take it any longer.

He said to the Devil “Excuse me, but I don’t understand. This is hell, and I’m being treated like a king!”

What was behind the door we went past on the way here? Is that what’s really in store for me?”

The Devil smiled and said, “Why no, the room we went by is reserved for the Catholics.

They seem to want it that way.”

Hey all,I don't know if this shit is true or not but it sure is funny as hell.....


The following is apparently a true story.... told from the point of view of
a young Marine.


I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat, field rations that
when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I
made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three
of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la- King, and eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I
cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic
and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles and rice together
to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I
added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I
then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed
of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda
like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice
cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of
cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I
sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila – Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named 'Military Special' – it
sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of
'Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored' (I swear, the packet says that).
It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the
electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Iraq for all I
know).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that stuff is
EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the
Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

My date came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs , set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
food, and said 'This looks INCREDIBLE!!!'

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked
at the makeshift 'wine' I had set out, but after she tried it I guess
she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the 'Chocolate mousse' I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...
yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest
room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself 'uh oh' and
a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the
couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say 'What the hell is WRONG
with me?' as she again sent flatulent shock waves into the porcelain bowl.


This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener!

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,
kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out
for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard
that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said 'I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I
can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!' I gave her an Imodium AD,
and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again wha t I had made for dinner, because she had
enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all
the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
'Marine Corps Field Rations' she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said 'I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was
made 3 years ago?'

After I rogered, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a
word.

She called me yesterday.. Seems she couldn't poop for 5 days, and when she
finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down
the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the
high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her
again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date! She laughed about it eventually and said that that was
the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on
the couch.

DEMOCRAT QUOTES....

YESTERDAY.....
'One man with courage makes a majority.'
- Andrew Jackson

'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

'The buck stops here.'
- Harry S. Truman

'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'
-John F. Kennedy

TODAYS


'It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?''
- Bill Clinton

'That Obama - I would like to cut his NUTS off.'
- Jesse Jackson

'Those rumors are false .... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.'
- John Edwards

'I invented the Internet'
- Al Gore

'The next Person that tells me I'm not religious,I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ***.'
- Joe Biden

' America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was....uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.'
- Barack Obama

'I have campaigned in all 57 states.
- Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.'
- Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

'Paying taxes is voluntary.'
- Sen. Harry Reid

'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.'
- Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

This is just so wrong it's funny


http://www.break.com/index/dog-attacks-grandma.html

old ladies are funny
Just after the start of his patrol, a state trooper noticed a car on the highway going well below the speed limit. As he approached it, he noticed that the car was driven by and elderly woman and in fact the car had four of them.

Flicking on his lights, he pulled them over After they stopped, he walked to the drivers door.

"Excuse me officer" The driver said. "But why were we pulled over?"

"Ma'am" The trooper said. "You're going too slow for traffic, it's much higher"

The elderly driver pointed to the highway marker. "I'm going as fast as it says right there, "46" isin't that right?"

"No Ma'am" replied the trooper, "That's a highway marker, you're on highway "46" the speed limit is 65 miles per hour here"

"Oh!" Said the driver. "I thank you so much! I'lll be more careful next time"

The trooper smiled and was about to leave when he saw the two ladies in the back. Their faces were etched in horror and fear.

"Ma'am, the two in the back don't look too good, maybe you need escort to a hospital?"

"No sir, they're alright" The driver said. "We just got off Highway 119"

A cop is sitting at a radar stop when a little car blows past him at high speed.. He takes off in pursuit and finally pulls over the offender. It is a little old lady barely able to see over the steering wheel.
" Excuse me, ma'am, but why were you going so fast? "
" Well, young man, I suffer from Alzheimers, so I wanted to get home before I forget where it was."

SAD.....
The TOP SELLING CAR IN THE US...476,000 last year alone