Bagpiper Joke‏

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before,from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

THE HORMONE GUIDE...

Every woman KNOWS that are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands...
Here's a handy guide that should be carried by every,HUSBAND...BOYFRIEND...CO WORKER..SIGNIFICANT OTHER

13 definations of P M S

13.PASS MY SHOTGUN

12.PSYCHOTIC MOOD SHIFT

11.PERPETUAL MUNCHING MACHINE

10.PUFFY MID SECTION

9.PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK

8.PROVIDE ME SWEETS

7.PARDON MY SOBBING

6.PIMPLES MAY SURFACE

5.PASS MY SWEATPANTS

4.PISSY MOOD SYNDROME

3.PLANILY MEN SUCK

2.PACK MY STUFF

AND #1 ONE IS............

POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

You know Coachman, I drove past a cemetery one day and saw a bag pipe player going to town and yelled at him, "Stop, or you will wake the dead!"

Parrot Attitude Adjustment

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John
quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Very random, but rather funny...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bLTQ14TEyY

I'm back :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAqPMJFaEdY

The CO was about to start a briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and, as a result, he had failed to get his usual amount of sleep. He posed the question as to just how much of sex was 'work' and how much was ' pleasure'.

a Captain responded that sex was 50-50, a Lieutenant suggested it was more 25-75 with the 75 being pleasure - depending on his state of inebriation at the time -.. This went on through the officers assembled. With no consensus, the CO turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. " Son, what's your take on this discussion?" Without hesitation, the Private responded " It has to be 100% pleasure, Sir! " " Why? Private"
" Well, Sir" began the soldier, " If there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir! "

-----

A veteran Major-General was given a new command and he wanted to interview for a new Admin Officer to assist him. Now he was a battle-scarred old soldier, with many campaigns under his belt. In one of the firefights, a grenade had gone off close to him and it had taken off both his ears, but since he still could hear, he remained in the military but was very sensitive about his appearance.

The first candidate was an Air Force Captain, a helo pilot who had a great interview. The last question the General put to him was: " Notice anything different about me?" " Yes, Sir!.. You have no ears, Sir!"
Disturbed by his lack of tact, the Captain was dismissed.
The second candidate was a Naval Lieutenant who was even better in his interview. At the end, the General posed the same question:" Notice anything different about me?" The Lieut. tried to be polite. " Well, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you lacked external aural accoutrements, Sir. " Annoyed at the Navy man's attempt at weaseling around the issue, he was dismissed.

The third candidate was a tough old Gunny.. The interview went well and finally the General had to ask the question: " Notice anything different about me, Gunny? " " Hell, yeah, Sir.. You wear contact lenses. " " How did you know that, Gunny?"
" Well, General, Its pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no %^^*$# ears, isn't it? "

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'

http://en.autos.sympatico.msn....ge/Oddball-Cars.aspx

enjoy

Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"

The Yankee replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

A list of some NEW books coming soon

All should take NO time too read


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By:
Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrations by...Michael Moore
------------------------------------------------------
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By:
Hillary Clinton
SEQUAL:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By:
Bill Clinton
-------------------------------------------------------
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By:
Osama Bin Laden
-------------------------------------------------------
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By:
Bill Gates
-------------------------------------------------------
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By:
Dennis Rodman
-------------------------------------------------------
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
By:
Al Gore & John Kerry
-------------------------------------------------------
AMELIA EARHARTS:GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By:
?????
-------------------------------------------------------
A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
By:
Dr.J.Kevorkian
-------------------------------------------------------
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By:
Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
--------------------------------------------------------
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By:
Mike Tyson
--------------------------------------------------------
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
By:
??????????
--------------------------------------------------------
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By:
O.J.Simpson
--------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
By:
Ted Kennedy
--------------------------------------------------------
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By:Bill Clinton
With introduction by:
The Rev.Jesse Jackson
--------------------------------------------------------
AND JUST ADDED.....
COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE of MILITARY STRATEGY
By:
Nancy Pelosi

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

ACTUAL STATEMENTS/QUESTIONS made in court..
I tell ya some attorneys...ain't got all their lights on...
Some defendants/witnesses aren't wrapped too tight either


Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A: I refuse to answer that question

Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A: I refuse to answer that question

Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A: No.
****************************************************************
Q: Doctor,did you say he was shot in the woods?

A: No,I said he was shot in the lumbar region
****************************************************************
Q: Are you married?

A: No, I'm divorced

Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
*****************************************************************
Q: Doctor,how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
*****************************************************************
Q:Were you aquainted with the defedendant?

A: Yes sir

Q: Before or after he died?
*****************************************************************
Q:When he went,had you gone and had she,if she wanted to and were able,for the time beingexcluding all the restraints on her not to go,gone also,would he have brought you,meaning you and she,with him to the station

Mr.Brooks:Objection...That question should be taken out and shot.
******************************************************************
Q:And lastly,Gary,all your responses must be oral.O K?
What school did you go to?

A: Oral

Q:How old are you

A: ORAL
******************************************************************
Q:What is your relationship with the plantiff?

A:She is my daughter

Q:Was she your daughter on February 13,1979?
******************************************************************
Q:..and what did he do then?

A:He came home,and the next morning he was dead.

Q:SO when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
******************************************************************
Q:Could you see him from where you were standing?

A:I could see his head

Q: And where was his head?

A: Just above his shoulders.
******************************************************************
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?

A: I don't drink when I'm on duty,unless I come on duty drunk.
******************************************************************
Q: (Showing man a picture) Is that you?

A: Yes sir

Q: And you were present when the picture was taken,right?
******************************************************************
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

A: I have only one you know
******************************************************************
Saved the best for last!!!!!!!!

Q: Was he dead when you performed the autopsy

A: NO...you idiot...he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy

CAN WE GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN???

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get > married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple,

'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'