I had this bright idea on how to save money with my laundry service: you see, they charge by the pound, so I filled the extra space in my laundry bags with helium-filled weather balloons. The trick worked, but they must've noticed my scam, because they got revenge by doing a really poor job of washing the balloons.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVlowXDG34k

If it wasn't for Blondes we would porbably pick on Brunetts...but WTH.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...VovU&feature=related

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)." They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber. "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!" "No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference
as long as he looked
nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
A "president" of FIRST-GENERATION ISLAMIC HERITAGE wielding HIGHLY CLASSIFIED ACCESS in CONTROL of the United States military and NUCLEAR arsenal.

*Nude Runner*


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.





'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'





'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'





'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'





So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.





Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.





Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.





'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'





Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'





'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'




Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'





'Nope...only when it's raining.

It was late at night as the Pope, who had departed this world, was approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into the shack and startled a young man half asleep sitting at a small gray desk. "Excuse me" said the Pope, "but I'm supposed to check in here with Saint Peter, but there is no one at the gate."

"Yea, Yea," said the young man, "Where are your orders?"

"I don't have any orders," said the Pope..

"Well it's too late to check in tonight anyhow." said the young man, "Just go around to the back of the building, find a rack and dump your gear in a locker. Saint Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then."

The Pope grabs his stuff and walks a round the building only to find a WWII-style open-bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open one is all the way at the end of the building, and it's on top. He drags his stuff to the end of the building, but there is no locker for him. He takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides this is just one final test. He crawls up into the rack and falls asleep.

Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer, the Pope sees a guy in a flight suit and a leather flight jacket in the back seat with a beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen.

The Pope turns to the young man who checked him in and asks, "Who is that guy? "A flight engineer," the young man replies.

The Pope says, "I don't get it. I worked hard all my life to do God's work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I labored hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as pope, I was able to attract more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, Saint Peter isn't here to greet me. I have to carry my own bags. I'm stuck in the top rack of an open-bay barracks and I don't even have a locker for my bags!"

The young man looks at the Pope and says. "Look, we get a Pope every 20-30 years, but he is the only Chief Master Sergeant who has ever made it!"

FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND NIPPLES FOR?




A: It's Braille for 'suck here.'




Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?




A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'





Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?




A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear







Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?




A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, They take your house and car with them, and besides, it doesn't make any sense to call 'em himicanes.





Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?




A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...










AND:










Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?




A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

THE ECONOMY IS SOOOO BAD.....

CEOs are playing miniature golf.
- American Indian tribes are turning their casinos back into reservations.
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than Chrysler, GM, or Ford.
- 700 billion dollars now only buys you 100 senators and 438 congressmen.
- People in Africa are sponsoring children in America for $22.00 a month.
- Wall Street had to sell advertising rights to its street name. It's now Wal-Mart Street.
- Exxon/Mobil had to lay off 25 congressmen.
- McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Ford is introducing a new Fred-and-Wilma-inspired 2009 model that is powered by feet.
- Women in Beverly Hills are now using the sun to get a tan.
- The television show, "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" has been updated and is now called, "Lifestyles of the People Who Still Have a Job."

Best Quote on the financial Crisis:

"This is worse than a divorce.......
I lost half of my money and still have my wife

The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before takeoff, an American Soldier in his class A uniform sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Soldier kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Soldier, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Soldiers shoe and spat in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Soldiers other shoe and spat in it. When the Soldier returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional RN. In over twenty years of nursing, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest weenie the nurse had ever seen, no bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she regained her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER


Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.


Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband,

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that we've been married for seven years, although a good man
is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because
they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You looked just like a girl!' and since my mother taught me not to say anything if you can't say something nice,
I chose not comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because
the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I do hope that's not a problem.

Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some

Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on

the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their

robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing

baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to

keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig

feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my

children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm

back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said ,

"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out

the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

You gotta love NASCAR & OBama's way to Stimulus Packages and taking care of our poor.
Subj: Jeff Gordon fires his pit crew

*NASCAR NEWS...* Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew This announcement
followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to
employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less
than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew
could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech
equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's
management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon
got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew
able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they
had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to
Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff
Gordon's wife in the shower.