I am new here and just getting the feel for the site. I am trying to promote my designs for supporting our troops and all military. We have done custom shirts for welcome home and custom Military Moms and Dads shirts. Please help me get these designs out to help support our military. Semper Fi.


Sgt "A"

http://E-5Graffix.1freecart.com

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this) ....



The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.' ! !

MILITARY BULLYING............

DEFENSE BULLYING REPORT - Air Force Worst of the Services

A recent report by the GAO has found that allegations of "a culture of

widespread bullying and brutality" within the military are, for the
most part, unfounded. The audit team, which traveled to every
Department of Defense establishment across the country and abroad, and
interviewed staff from all four Services, found surprisingly few cases
of unfair treatment or bullying within the Army, Navy, and Marine
Corps.

When it came to the US Air Force, however, the report told a different
story. A total of 3,561 Air Force members made complaints to the team,
compared with just one from Army, and none from the Marine Corps and
Navy.

While this statistic is alarming in its own right, it becomes horrific
when one considers that each complaint represents a sad story of
abuse, mistreatment, or neglect.

As one senior Air Force officer put it, "Each story is, in itself, a
sad indictment on the military. When taken as a whole, however, they
demonstrate a reprehensible lack of regard for personnel on the part
of managers at all levels."

One young pilot told of having to spend three nights in tented
accommodation, despite the fact that there was an empty five-star
hotel with satellite television just 1 kilometer away.

Another said that he had been forced to endure a grueling physical
fitness test every year since he joined in 1997.

One airman alleged that she had been overlooked for promotion on
numerous occasions, simply because she was fat, lazy and stupid.

An airman stated he had been refused permission to wear civilian
attire to work, despite the fact that his uniform clashed with his eye
color.

Another had been forced to wear uncomfortable safety boots for periods
of up to eight hours straight.

A clerk could not understand why she had been sent to work in a Joint
military headquarters, "I have been forced to work for horrid Army and
Navy people who just don't understand what the military is all about.
I feel the Air Force has victimized me by forcing me to do this...I
will be seeking compensation..."

Shockingly, Air Force senior ranks are also subject to mistreatment.

One Senior NCO stated, "I was deeply upset when I was addressed as
'Sergeant' by an officer. He knew my name was Robert. It was just
horrible - I have never been more humiliated in my life." In response
a senior officer stated, "the officer in question has been moved to a
new assignment..."

A number of personnel complained of having to attend courses that were
not relevant to their jobs, such as rigorous ground combat courses and
drawn-out lectures on occupational health and safety. To add insult to
injury, a young A1C was even ordered to pack up chairs in the
classroom after one such course.

The huge backlash against this treatment of Air Force personnel should
provide senior officers with a vital clue with regard to the massive
retention problems experienced by the military in recent times. Over
the past two years, the Air Force has spent millions of dollars
conducting studies on the issue of improving retention.

Coachman for all the laughs....Semper Fi.

Sgt "A"



http://e-5graffix.1freecart.com

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh_ _ out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple minutes ago...'

Subject: This Joke Was Nominated for Best Joke of the Year




> > A Russian arrives
> > in New York City as a new
> > immigrant to the
> > United
> > States . He stops
> > the first person he sees walking down the
> > street and says,
> > "Thank you Mr. American for letting
> > me into this
> > country, giving me housing, food stamps,
> > free
> > medical care, and a free education!"
> >
> > The passerby
> > says, "You are mistaken, I am a
> > Mexican."
> >
> >
> > The man goes on and encounters another
> > passerby. "Thank you for having
> > such a beautiful country here in
> > America
> > ."
> >
> > The person says,
> > "I not American, I Vietnamese."
> >
> >
> > The new
> > arrival walks farther, and the next
> > person he
> > sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
> > "Thank you for wonderful America !"
> >
> > That person puts
> > up his hand and says, "I am from
> > Middle East . I am not
> > American."
> >
> > He finally sees a nice lady and
> > asks, "Are you an American?"
> > She says, "No, I
> > am from Africa
> > "
> >
> > Puzzled, he asks
> > her, "Where are all the
> > Americans?"
> >
> > The African lady
> > checks her watch and says,
> > "Probably at work."

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started..


Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . ...... .

(scroll down)

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Sad Story‏

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked

robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was
too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her
not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

I'm heading out to the plane so I thought I'd send this to keep you occupied 'til I get back..

When hiring people, especially in this economic downturn, you need to pick the best fit for the position. here's how to do it.

Put everyone you want to look at in one room alone for two hours without any instructions. When you come back:

If they've dismantled the table and chairs put them in engineering
If they're counting the cigarette butts in the ashtrays, put them in finance
If they're waving their arms about and talking out loud, send them to consulting
If they're talking to the furniture, put them in personnel
If they're sleeping, they're management material
If they don't look up when you walk back in, put them in security

Don't blame me for this one, I'm just passing it on............






A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly ?formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(folks, you're gonna luv this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlo's says, "Alright, what do your sign say?"

It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico ..."

Subject: #2 Pencil






Little Mary Margaret was not the best student and she usually slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"


The nun fainted...

Exchanges between PILOTS and the TOWER

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
-----------------------------------------------
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'
------------------------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
------------------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight..'
----------------------------------------------


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
------------------------------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'
------------------------------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'
------------------------------------------------

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that repo rt from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.... we've already notified our caterers.'
------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
------------------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not on ly expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'
------------------------------------------------

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

In South Los Angeles , a fire destroyed a four-plex.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Kenyan welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief quietly replied, "Simple; they were away at work."