Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck
by lightning."
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought she was having her picture taken."

About this one I bet MS Shelie Jackson(D) Texas was with Pelosi..

My BIRTHDAY....(NO NOT ME)

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said,
"You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch.. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."


After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all
singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...



On the couch...








Naked........

In 1850 California became a State:

It had no electricity, no money, almost everyone spoke Spanish and there were gunfights in the streets.
So, basically, it was just like it is today, except women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands...

-------
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller; " I want to open a Fr*&%%^&$#Kin bank acoount"..The teller replies, " I beg your pardon? " " Listen up, dammit! I said I want to Fr$%%^&$W&in open a %%^^&$ bank account!!"

The teller rushes over to the manager and explains about the rude customer. He returns with the teller and asks the customer" what seems to be the problem here? "
" There's no G#$%^damn %GFF$%^&*&^ problem!!.. I just won $ 50 million on the lottery and I want to open an account! "

The manager nodded. " I see, sir, and this F%%^*&in bitch is giving you a hard time? "
-------

Dan worked hard in the family business and one day his father took ill and he realized that he stood to inherit the firm and be very wealthy.. Thinking he should plan for the future he considered that he should be married and plan to have kids of his own to carry on the corporation.

One night, sitting in a bar contemplating his future he spied an incredibly gorgeous woman and, on impulse, he went up to her. " I may not look like much " he said, " but, my father is seriously ill and soon I will inherit $ 20 million " The lady smiled and took his business card after chatting with him a few moments.
Three days later she moved in with him - as his stepmother...

HOW THE STOCK MARKET WORKS: A PARABLE

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would but monkeys for $ 10 each. The villagers knowing there were many monkeys in the nearby forest, went out and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys for $ 10 and, as the supply diminished, they stopped catching them. Then, the man announced he'd pay $ 20 per monkey and they renewed their efforts, but, soon, the supply of monkeys diminished further and it was harder to capture them, so the villagers gave up.

The man increased his offer to $ 25 and the supply of monkeys became so small it was an effort to even see one, let alone catch it. The man returned and said he's pay $ 50 per monkey, however, as he had to go to the city on business, his assistant would buy the monkeys on his behalf. After the man had left, the assistant said to the villagers " I will sell you back the monkeys already captured at $ 35 each and you can then sell them to the man when he returns at the $ 5o price making $ 15 on each monkey with little effort. The villagers rounded up all the money they had and bought the monkeys.

The assistant and the man disappeared never to return and the villagers had more monkeys than they knew what to do with.

That's how the stock market works.

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics

professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill.

Can you explain it to me?"


The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my

office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help

me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you."

The student agreed.


At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the

professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend

project involved his backyard pool.


They both went out back to the pool, and the professor

handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own

bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end,

and fill your bucket with as much water as you can."

The student did as he was instructed.


The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow

end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it."

The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.


The professor then explained they were going to do this many

more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.


The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?



The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make

the shallow end much deeper.


The student didn't think the economics professor was serious,

but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.


However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the

deep end, the student began to become worried that his

economics professor had gone mad.



The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable

time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when

this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it

was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction

of what could have been truly productive action!"


The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile,

"Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

Flat Stomach

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..


The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'


The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'


'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.


'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.


'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

The Gunny approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

‘Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?’

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ‘Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?’

‘I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.’

WASHINGTON, DC - After more than 30 years spent hiding in the Los Angeles underground as wanted criminals, the members of the crack commando unit Alpha Team, commonly known as the A-Team, were cleared of all charges brought against them by the U.S. military, Army and DoD officials announced Monday.

"In 1972, we arrested the members of the A-Team for a crime they swore they didn't commit," Army General Stephen Lupo said. "They broke out of our maximum-security stockade, and from that moment forth, I thought of nothing but their recapture. However, a recent audit of their file has revealed that the arrest of the Alpha Force members was made in error. The U.S. military deeply regrets the mistake."

According to Lupo, the A-Team members' exoneration will occur before the Armed Forces Appeals Board on August 24.

Just hours after Lupo's announcement was made, Army Captain H.M. "Howlin' Mad" Murdock, the A-Team's pilot, resurfaced to speak with journalist Amy Allen, who often reported on the mercenaries' charitable acts.

"For decades, we've been forced to live in the shadows," Murdock said. "Somehow, we always found a way to help people who had nowhere else to turn, but we operated under the constant threat of recapture. Finally, the nightmare is over."

Added Murdock: "Owooohh, I'm a little doggie! Ow ow owooohhhh!"

Murdock and the surviving members of the team -- the classically handsome Lieutenant Templeton Arthur "Face" Peck and the Mohawk-sporting mechanic, Staff Sergeant Bosco "B.A." Baracus -- said their joy over the announcement was tempered only by regret that their de-facto leader, Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith, was not alive to see their names cleared.

"Somewhere up there, Hannibal is smiling down on us -- maybe disguised as a giant crocodile or a wealthy diamond merchant," Peck said. "He loved it when a plan come together."

"More than any of us, he would have enjoyed seeing the look on [Colonel Roderick] Decker's face when our innocence was announced," Peck continued. "Decker hated Hannibal ever since they served together back in 'Nam. Decker never could stand his cocky attitude."

Smith was gunned-down in front of a Las Vegas casino in 1994.

The A-Team members said that, although they presume the Army's offer of freedom is legitimate, they have taken precautions.

"We formed a backup plan in case things turn out to be on the 'jazz'," Peck said, using the team's code phrase for a troublesome situation. "Murdock's gonna perch a helicopter on top of the courtroom. B.A. found a broken Howitzer in a junkyard, got it working again, and got it mounted in our van. We also have a whole team of troubled teens B.A. befriended and taught valuable lessons. They placed explosives throughout the courtroom and along our subterranean escape route. If need be, they'll blow that courtroom apart."

Peck admitted that their escape plan might be too crazy to work, acknowledging the possibility that he will be punched in the face during the escape. He also noted that stacks of cardboard boxes might break the falls of the military personnel thrown into the air by the A-Team's explosives.

"Just to be safe, I romanced a beautiful court stenographer and convinced her to smuggle some smoke bombs in with her," Peck said. "All in a day's work."

Lupo said he expects an uneventful trial, explaining that, as restitution for the military's mistake—a typo which attributed crimes committed by the H-Team to the A-Team—the court will award Peck, Murdock, and Baracus honorable discharges, a written apology from Decker, and 32 years' back pay.

Murdock said his primary concern at present is getting Baracus to fly from L.A. to Washington, D.C. for the trial.

"He keeps calling me a 'crazy foo' for trying to get him to fly," Murdock said. "I told him the chance of the plane crashing into a field of rednecks harassing a religious group was very slim. I'm thinking that if we drug his milk, we can get him on the plane."

Baracus said that he has big plans for his settlement.

"For the last 30 years I've been a soldier of fortune," Baracus said. "Now, I'm going to take the money and do something for the kids. I'm gonna start a gym. A gym for the kids. For a long time, that's been my dream. But I couldn't open one with [Gen. Hunt] Stockwell on our tail. He'd use a tank to send shells through the side of it."

Added Baracus: "I pity the fool that tries to blow up my gymnasium now!"

While the original members of the A-Team have been exonerated, the same cannot be said for Frankie "Dishpan" Santana, a special-effects expert who helped the team escape Stockwell's clutches in 1986. Santana, who remains charged with dereliction of duty, desertion, and insubordination, spoke with reporters from a holding pen at Fort Bragg.

"I suppose it would be too much to ask the guys to break me out now that they're finally legit," Santana said. "If I'm lucky, maybe they'll put me in a cell that has a blowtorch in it for some reason, or air ducts large enough to crawl through. Or maybe they'll just do a sloppy job of guarding me—but that may be too much to ask."
Within hours of his interview, Santana escaped using a blowtorch to open the cell's air ducts while the guards were having lunch in a different room. His whereabouts are currently unknown.

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the
lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the Lion
jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her
terrified parents who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, ad
dressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave
thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will
have this story on the front page... So, what is it that you do w hen
you're not riding your motorcycle?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican, and I'm proud to be
both."

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys The New
York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions and reads on
the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Dear IRS:



I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but not all is lost.

I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax,
cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog license
tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline
tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax,
waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax,
liquor tax, luxury tax, Medicare tax, city, school
and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4
years), real estate tax, social security tax, road
recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state
unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax,
telephone federal state and local surcharge tax,
telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone
state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license
registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance
tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property
tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New
Mexico sales tax, and many more that I cant recall
but I have run out of space and money.

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that
it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same
way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangel, Chris
Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Daschle
and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No
penalties and no interest.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
" To err is human to forgive divine neither is Marine Corps policy."



(copied from another forum)

Today's Quote
"Americans grew tired of being thought to be dumb by the rest of the
world,

so they went to the polls and removed all doubt."





FROM THE FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT

OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

YEA, THOUGH I WALK THRU THE VALLEY

OF THE BREAD LINE I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.

OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,

MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.

FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS

OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.

BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN, I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE. BUT I WISH I
WAS A DOG AND OBAMA A TREE.

A woman walked into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW!" the social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?"

"Yes, they're all mine", the flustered momma sighed, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She said "Sit down Leroy." All the children rushed to find seats.

"Well", said the social worker, "You must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'."

In disbelief, the case worker asked, "Are you serious? They're all named Leroy?"

The mother replied, "Well, yes, it does make things easier:

When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running.

And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."

The social worker thought this over for a bit, then wrinkled her forehead and asked "But what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."

A friend sent this to me, it is funny

Aussie tourism website

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour
__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) (my favorite!-bt)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
_________________________________________________
_
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

I don't know if this is true or not but it sure is funnier n hell

Cancel your credit card before you die.......
Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help..'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway
129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'


You wondered why Citibank is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!
"DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS BEING TURNED OFF."