Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.


He bent over to pick it up......



Then all the other bells started to ring.

Hahahahaaaa!!

Where the hell do u get these jokes from

Anyways..KEEP EM COMING!!

hahaaaa..

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. ..............
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

The joke is -- no man could live through a comment like that to his wife!

BLUE SUIT

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I switched the heads."

Rocky, a mafia wise-guy, just had gotten paid a plentiful sum of money. He decided to improve his image and have a swell night-out impressing the ladies. So he went and purchased a custom tailored Armani suite, a Forzieri shirt, and a pair of $500 Gucci shoes. After being well suited for his night on the town, he started out at his favorite night club; where he new the ladies were hot and wanting. The atmosphere of the club was upbeat, discrete and sensual.


Rocky saw a familiar girl that he approached, and asked, “Hey Andria, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Andria, you have on a pair of pink panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, “Rocky that is unlike a gentleman to say such a thing”; slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

He didn’t give it a second thought and proceeded to his next prospect, a girl he once met at a party; he approached her saying, “Hey Rosalia, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Rosalia, you have on a pair of blue panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, Rocky, you are such a pig”, slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

Still determined to get laid while having a good time, but less assured by is new image, he approached another girl who had a promiscuous reputation. He said, “Hey Delanna you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Delanna, what color panties are you wearing?” She said, “I’m not wearing any panties Rocky”. He said, “Well that’s good Delanna”. She said, “Ohhhh Rocky, why do you ask?” He said, “There for a moment I thought I had a scratch on my new shoes.”

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I
can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"

Aviation Truisms

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "OH SHIT!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

A new inmate at the prison was lying on his bunk at lights out.
After a while, he heard someone say "Number 24", there erupted laughter from all over the prison. A little bit later, someone shouted "Number 12", and again, laughter roared thru the prison, even the guards laughed.
This went on for quite some time, and the new inmate could stand it no longer, he inquired of his elderly cell-mate, "Why is everyone laughing at people quoting numbers?"
The old-timer replied, "Well, young fella, we have all been in here so long, and heard each other's jokes so many times, we assigned them numbers, saves a lot of time."
The new guy thought for a moment, and then shouted out "Number 19", nothing.
the crickets even stopped chirping.
He asked the old man, "What happened? Everyone laughed at them when the other guys told them, why didn't they laugh at mine?"
The old-timer looked at him and said, "Well, young fella, some can tell em, and some can't."

Napoleon walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only a pair of shorts made out of Saran Wrap...
" Doc, doc.. what's wrong with me?"
the doctor looks up at him briefly,
" Well I can clearly see you're nuts. "

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college. Duh!


"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. All the men in your life are suddenly agreeing to everything you
say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:


1. OTHER WOMEN

> Will adults never learn!!!
>
>
> Little Girl and Construction Workers
>
> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
> 5
> year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we
> CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
>
> A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
> construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
> The
> family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
> activity
> going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
>
> Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the rough, more or
> less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
> her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
> little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
>
> At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
> containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her
> mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
> they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day
> to
> start a savings account.
>
> When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
> little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
> The little girl replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the
> house next door to us."
>
> "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the
> house again this week, too?"
>
> The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
> deliver the ****ing sheet rock..."

Honeymoon

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
to Mom and Dads for the night.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies,"Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies,"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue."

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following
conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut
off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?'
So she says, "Wear your sweater."

It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against
President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The
spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with
a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
"Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every week?"

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she
say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said
as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,
"S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,
Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

What's the difference between a bull and a cow?
A bull smiles when you milk it.

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in
love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have
the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and
should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and
she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking
screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them.
Patient: Oh, thank you very much.
Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the
man after helping him with his luggage.
- Anything else?
- NO, thanks,
- Maybe, your wife needs something ?
- Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell greeting
cards ?


Q: Why do tampons have string?A: So you can floss after eating.

Death

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.