| Off Topic Forums |
Military Forums|
Go
 |
New
|
Find
|
Notify
|
Tools
|
Reply
|
|
 Location: Carrollton,Texas
Registered: 24 July 2008
Posts: 181
|
Posted
When American Doctors were asked their opinoin on some of the proposed
UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PROGRAMS here's what they had to say.... The ALLERGISTS voted to scratch it... The DERMATOLGISTS advised not make any rash moves... The GASTROENTEROLOGISTS had sort of a gut feeling about it... The NEUROLOGISTS thought the ADMINISTRATION has a lot of nerve... The OBSTETRICIANS felt they were all laboring under a misconception The OPHTHALMOLOGISTS considered the idea shortsighted... The PATHOLOGISTS yelled "Over my dead body"... The PEDIATRICANS said "Oh grow up"... The PSYCHIATRISTS thought the whole idea was madness... The RADIOLOGISTS could see right through it... The SURGEONS decided to wash their hands of the whole thing... The INTERNISTS thought it was a bitter pill to swallow... The PLASTIC SURGEONS said "This puts a whole new face on the matter"... The PODIATRISTS thought it was a step forward... The UROLOGISTS felt the scheme wouldn't hold water... The ANESTHESIOLOGISTS thought the whole idea was a gas... The CARDIOLOGISTS didn't have the heart to say no... In the end... THE PROCTOLOGISTS LEFT THE DECISION UP TO SOME ASSHOLE IN WASHINGTON IT TAKES 46 MUSCLES TO FROWN...BUT ONLY 3 TO FLIP EM THE BIRD |
"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
|
Posted
The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
The CO said, "I see millions of stars." 1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?" CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?" 1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent." Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
|
Location: Carrollton,Texas
Registered: 24 July 2008
Posts: 181
|
Posted
Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing-- imagine that.
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. 1 - 15 lb. turkey 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.) 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done. And, you thought I didn't cook... IT TAKES 46 MUSCLES TO FROWN...BUT ONLY 3 TO FLIP EM THE BIRD |
|
"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
|
Posted
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
LOST IN THE DAMNEDEST PLACES An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.' ________________________________________________________________ FAMILY Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.' ___________________________________________________________ 'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!' Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer ...' _________________________________________________________________ LITTLE LADY: A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her night-gown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.' ___ ________________________ __________________________________ OLD FRIENDS: Now this one is just too precious...! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?' _________________________________________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!' ________________________ ________________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?' Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
|
Location: Carrollton,Texas
Registered: 24 July 2008
Posts: 181
|
Posted
A Happy Marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the Town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple' The local Newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy Marriage.. The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' Explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a Trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when My wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the Horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife Quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when The horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from Her purse and shot the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the Poor animal like that, are you *+%$**£' crazy!?' She looked at ME, and Quietly said, 'That's once.' And from that moment. ' we have lived happily ever after.' IT TAKES 46 MUSCLES TO FROWN...BUT ONLY 3 TO FLIP EM THE BIRD |
|
Location: Carrollton,Texas
Registered: 24 July 2008
Posts: 181
|
Posted
Scrollin through the ROLL CALL page I find this "JEWEL"
5 STAR HANGOVER ***** You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ‘Floater’ thrown in. The sole purpose of this ‘Floater’ seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now… I ummm never did stuff like that I wuz a good boy...   IT TAKES 46 MUSCLES TO FROWN...BUT ONLY 3 TO FLIP EM THE BIRD |
 Registered: 24 January 2005
Posts: 3518
|
Posted
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny My existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.” SEMPER FI The Gunny PROUD TO BE AN INFIDEL America is not at war. The Marines are at war, America is at the mall. |
|
Registered: 24 January 2005
Posts: 3518
|
Posted
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
Recently she returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines." SEMPER FI The Gunny PROUD TO BE AN INFIDEL America is not at war. The Marines are at war, America is at the mall. |
 Location: hanging around
Registered: 08 March 2005
Posts: 1020
|
Posted
Ways To Annoy Osama Bin Laden
|
|
"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
|
Posted
Sure Fire Pick up Lines
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman - 'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would br eak the ice.' 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room... 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND .. the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
|
"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
|
Posted
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?' The boy replied, 'What turkey?' The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.' The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!' The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?' The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!' May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have never a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs! Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
|
"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
|
Posted
A Wealthy Hospital Benefactor.
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. 'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?' The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture. ' Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified? Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better insurance.' Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
|
"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
|
Posted
Amish Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ... "Go get your mother..." Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
|
Location: Carrollton,Texas
Registered: 24 July 2008
Posts: 181
|
Posted
MY LIVING WILL
I _________________________________,being of sound mind and body,do not wish to be kept alive indefinately by artifical means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of PINHEAD POLITICIANS who couldn't pass ninth grade biology,if their lives depended on it. Nor should my fate be decided by lawyers....doctors...or hospitals interested in simply running up the bills..... If a reasonable amount of time passes AND I fail to ask for at least one of the following A Cold Beer A Martini A Margarita A Scotch and Soda A Bloody Mary A Ginand Tonic A Glass of Chardonnay A Steak..Lobster..Crab Legs The TV Remote A Bowl of Ice Cream The Sports Page Some form of Chocolate SEX..... Then it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better.... WHEN...Such a determination is reached,I hereby instruct my appointed person ans attending physicians to: PULL THE PLUG... REEL IN THE TUBES...AND CALL IT A DAY... At this point it is time to call the NEW ORLEANS JAZZ FUNERAL BAND to come do their thing at MY funeral...and ask ALLof my friends to raise their glasses to toast all the good times we had. SIGNATURE__________________ DATE______________ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ NOTE: Ialso hear that in IRELAND they have a NURSING HOME witha PUB. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes...... IF anyone knows the name of this HAPPY PLACE...PLEASE let me know......... IT TAKES 46 MUSCLES TO FROWN...BUT ONLY 3 TO FLIP EM THE BIRD |
|
Location: hanging around
Registered: 08 March 2005
Posts: 1020
|
Posted
I guess I am spoiled... |
| Previous Topic | Next Topic | powered by eve community | Page 1 ... 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 |
 | Please Wait. Your request is being processed... |
|
|||
| Site | MilitarySpot.com Forums | ||
| Servlet | eve2da035 | ||
| Version | 1.2.22 build 9062 | ||
| Module | Forums 4.0.3 | ||
| Stylesheet | "offtopicnew" | ||
| Wordlet Set | "Default Wordlet Set" | ||
|
|
|
|
DESCRIPTION:
MilitarySpot.com - Online Military Community and More! |