MAN STUFF.....
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an
option. I will win.
_____________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to
be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of
beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_____________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
_____________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this w ill just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. (Add
plumbing problems to this situation.)
_____________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look
too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your
hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_________________________________________________

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE TO HELP WOMEN BETTER UNDERSTAND MEN

'Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.

When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!

" On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi"
He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat
to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.


Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.


You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.


SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I
had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking
for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock!


Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would
share my dilemma with you
to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you
what happened to me,
I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
the office.
It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we
do to keep warm is
this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the
hose and stuff it down
the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a
Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course,
I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back,
but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The
hot water machine had
sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However,
the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the
crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over
the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all
laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach
the surface to
begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face,
handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as
I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because
my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you
had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job ".



*****

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there
must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money jar?"

"Well...you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Audi TT.

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks...

"What are the three tests?"

"Pay first... those are the rules," says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, " Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink that entire liter of Blanco tequila, the
hole thing, all at once ... and ..you can't make a face while doing
it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm....
You've gotta make things right for her!"

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a liter of Blanco tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender... "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks.. then a few more.. and then he asks, "Where is la tequila?"

He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face.

Next.. he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge... noisy... scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking..the guy screaming.. the pit bull
yelping and then . . silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead... he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now.." he says..."Where's that old woman with the sore tooth?"

A guy goes to the doctor with as severe a case of erectile dysfunction as could be diagnosed.. The medics ponder and discuss and finally approach the guy with the bad news.. traditional methods won't alleviate the condition, but they'd like to use him in a test of some experimental surgery.

reluctantly [ and a bit in desperation ] he agrees. The procedure involves grafting muscles from an elephant's trunk to his penis.

The operation is a success and he is back out in the community.. A few days later, emboldered by the new graft, he decides to get back into the dating game. He hooks up with a beautiful and voluptuous babe and they go out to a fine restaurant for dinner. Staring at her great bod, he feels an old familiar stirring.. in a few moments this is starting to hurt, and he is squirming a lot.. Totally uncomfortable, he figures he could unzip his pants and relieve the pressure as no one is looking under the table..

Moments later his penis snakes up out of his pants flops on the table, snatches a bun and disappears into his pants.

The date is, at first, disgusted at the sight, but then, a funny look comes over her face and she leans over and whispers " Can you do that again? "

He coughs, " Probably, but I'm not sure I could stand another dinner roll shoved up my butt ".


*******

a long married couple go to a counsellor.. their marriage is on the rocks. After listening to their tale, the medic tells them they have merely fallen into a rut.. typical of long-married couples.. routines and mundane efforts have made them bored with each other.. they merely have to spice up their love life, be more spontaneous.

On the way home, the wife stops off at the mall.. later that night as he's getting ready for bed, he is surprised when his wife rushes out of the bathroom in red lacy crotchless panties and matching bra with nipple cut outs. She has a red towel tied around her neck like a cape and has smeared a red "S" on her in lipstick.

She shouts: " Super Pussy!"

He looks at her and sighs and says " I'll have the soup "..

I wonder if Obama will put spinners on the presidential limo.

you get sunflower oil from sunflowers

olive oil from olives, peanut oil from peanuts,
corn oil from corn.


so WTF is baby oil??

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment
the woman's husband spoke up
and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
________________________________________________

Bachelor Defined
One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
One who can forget his mistakes.
One who can get into bed from either side.
One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
One who failed to embrace his opportunities
One who is a free male.
One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
One who knows all the ankles.
One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.
One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
One who looks, but does not leap.
One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
One who never makes the same mistake once.
One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
One who never Mrs. Anything. One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.
One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
One who travels fastest in a parked car.
One who tries to avoid the issue.
One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
One who washes only one set of dishes.
One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.

________________________________________________

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control have all been born?

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls.'

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR GAS MILAGE

Drive downhill.
Select destinations that are downhill whenever possible.
This will help increase fuel efficiency, particularly if you don’t have to return via the same route.

Avoid high-speed pursuits.
Whenever possible, avoid leading police on high-speed pursuits.
If you are, in fact, a criminal, and consider high-speed pursuits to be part of your work routine, attempt whenever possible to confine these chase situations to the highway, where greater fuel economy can be maintained.

Road rage spells fuelish waste. Flying into blind, uncontrollable rages on the road is not only behavior that can best be described as unseemly, it can lead to errors in judgment that can cost you precious fuel dollars.
If you’re prone to “losing it,” find ways to scale back your retaliatory instincts and increase your fuel efficiency.
For instance, instead of trying to ram another vehicle for some imagined transgression or slight, try and confine your response to an obscene gesture.

Ask people to drive you places.
Whenever possible, ask people where they’re driving. If it’s the same place you’d like to go, ask them to take you and promise to return the favor. Then, avoid them in the future.

Drive with the prevailing wind.
Studies have shown that driving with the wind at your back can decrease fuel consumption, particularly at hurricane or gale-force levels.

Avoid driving.
Refusing to drive places can save up to 100 percent of your fuel dollar.

Become a recluse. Reclusive people who refuse to leave their homes can record dramatic fuel savings.

Try not to turn.

Studies have indicated that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, and the shorter the distance the greater the savings on fuel consumption. While you shouldn’t take this to extremes that would include driving onto sidewalks or through private residences, the astute driver should be able to cut a few corners and save a few dollars as a result.

Follow closely behind larger vehicles.
While tailgating is considered a dangerous practice, following really closely behind a large truck will cut back wind resistance and save on fuel consumption.

Yes, this will increase the likelihood of eventual collision, but, as the cook said to the person or persons who desired to eat breakfast, “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Unless, of course, you use powdered eggs or some sort of egg substitute but that simply won’t taste as good.”

A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in 6 weeks.'

German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind.We're about to take a Muslim with no brains, put him in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work in one week.

Alil humor after super tuesday.


http://www.minimovie.com/film-128460-McCain-Obama%20Dance-Off

Pic...Self explanatory

T E S T
just making sure it worked.

Blood test?
Alcohol level test?
Sanity test?
OH! I see your testing the pic....ahhhh ok never mind