Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory....and both were
laid off. So...dey went to the Unemployment Office together.
Asked his occupation, Olaf said, 'Panty stitcher.
I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.'

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled
labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment compensation.
Sven, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.'

The clerk looked up diesel fitter...and it was classified as a skilled
job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious. He stormed back into the
office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double
his benefits.

The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel
fitters are skilled labor.'

'Vat skill?' yelled Olaf. 'I sew da elastic on da panties. Olaf
puts dem
over his head and says, 'Yah ------------- DIESEL FITTER.'

Sven and Olaf went hunting in the backwoods of Minnesota and their guide positioned them in seperate but good locations. Told not to move around too much because the woods were thick and they might easily get lost...in which case they should fire three times and the guide would find them. 'Just keep firing three times...and I'll come and get you if you get lost."

Sven got a 6 point buck and the guide went to pick up Olaf...but he was not at the drop off point. An exausting search ensued and after a couple of freezing days and nights Olaf was found at the bank on a nearby lake.

The Guide was relieved to have recovered Olaf alive but was angry that Olaf had wandered off and got lost.

Sven asked Olaf 'Vhy dist ya not fire tree times like da Guide said?'

Olaf replyed "I did fire tree times...and kept on shoosting tree times...but den I run all outt off Arrvows.

The joke is on me.. I think... still getting love letter/mash notes from young hotties over on Milnet..
apparently they have fallen in love with me sight unseen..must be my masterful command of the keyboard [ though I don't recall writing anything to them before.. but... at my age.. maybe I did and alzheimers prevents me from remembering ]

anyway.. they are drooling over my little " No Photo Available " picture and want to send me scads of 'candid shots' of themselves, if only I would supply them with another E-mail address..[ those shy little minxes ]...though, to be honest, some of things they promise to do when we meet.. well.. standards and morals seem to be somewhat flexible in the 21st century, even if I can't quite bend that way, myself.. rheumatiz acting up, or is it the lumbago?

I took a good hard look at my physog in the mirror this morning and, while I am no spring chicken [ more like a truck ride away from the soup factory ] I obviously still have enough magnetism to attract the laydeez..

I'm thinking I might have some 'fun' if I play my cards right [ as long as it isn't my Mastercard/Visa Card/ American Express - which, I'm beginning to think, is the deck of cards they want to play with ]..

How'd they know the Good Padre is away 'til next June?

The wonders of the Interweeb!!

Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman
Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be
some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the
next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and
make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations later this year:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R.
Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW! And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

FBI Job Opening



The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3
finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents
took one of the men to a large metal door a and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair
Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be
serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're
not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The
man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my
wife. The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and
went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes,
all was quiet .. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,
wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she
said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

IF YOU THINK YOU`RE DUMB WHEN IT COMES TO COMPUTERS, READ THIS AND YOU`LL FEEL BETTER.

Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain`t seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn`t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer`s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn`t be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn`t find printer."
The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn`t "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn`t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer`s mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn`t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn`t even fit it in..." The user hadn`t realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I`m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it`s attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it`s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don`t know anything about a promotional. It just has `4X` on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn`t stand it. He was laughing too hard.The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let`s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don`t have a `P`".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " `P` on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I`m not going to do that!"

THE PLAN.........

Okay, here's the plan:

Back off and let men marry men, women marry women, and totally legalize abortion.

In three generations, there will be no Democrats.......

Damn! I love it when a plan comes together.
-----------------------------------------------
#2.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A six- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no $ex!
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
(S&P) STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a Nuthouse.
MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
CALL OPTION - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Try this lil game if you like cats



http://www.itsga.com/fun/cat_new.swf

When you strangle a Smurf, what colour do they turn?

Bob's Taxidermy Shop and All You Can Eat Buffet
" Either way , you're stuffed!"

squirrels are nature's speedbumps.

four out of five voices in my head told me I should have a beer.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such
a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

‘If you think getting educated is difficult, try being stupid.’

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??!!!"

I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs flyover a frozen hell while monkeys fly out her bum.

Walking with your wife

THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS. THE LAMAZE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.

THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.

SHE SAID ' LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES; AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!'

SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, 'AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER --YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER.'

THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.

THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND. 'YES?' ANSWERED THE TEACHER.

'I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?'

Gunny, your a pistol. Do you try this on your wife, or just give fatherly advise to thte unknowning and unwise?

A man and woman had a divorce and had a court case to decide who gets custody of their child.

In court the judge asked the woman, "Tell me why you should have the child" and she answered, "Your worship* I carried the child for nine months and brought him into the world with a lkot of pain and suffering."

The Judge turned to the husband and asked him, "Now, tell me why you should have the child instead of your wife?". The man thought for a few moments then answered, "Your worship, if I put a R.5 coin into a soda machine and it drops out a can of soda...does the soda belong to me or to the machine?"

(*In South African legal cases a judge is referred to as "Your Worship")