Oldie But Funny!


A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. They would get
together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day,
someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that
hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the
Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days
later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with
me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation.

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I
went out and FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I
DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became
as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out
of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

I'm glad I dont remember being circumsized

From a friend in Florida.

Hurricane Education: What I've learned during our last hurricane . . .



1. Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.

2. No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.

3. My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the People in line who helped me push it).

4. Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.

5. Cats are even more irritating without power.

6. He who has the biggest generator wins.

7. Women can actually survive without doing their hair- you just wish They weren't around you.

8. A new method of non-lethal torture- showers without hot water.

9. There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.

10. TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.

11. A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser's to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 lb. turkey frozen for 8 more hours.

12. There are a lot of dang trees around here.

13. Flood plane drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong..

14. Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.

15. Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.

16. People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.

17. When required, a Lincoln Continental will float, doesn't steer well but floats just the same.

18. Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
19. Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.

20. 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, And they are quick to point that out!

21. Clothes hampers were not made to contain such a volume.

22. If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas and generators... I'd be rich.

23. Price of a can of soup rises 200% in a storm.

24. Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.

25. Tree service companies are under appreciated.

26. I learned what happens when you make fun of another states' blackout.

27. MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????

28. Drywall is a compound word, take away the 'dry' part and it's worthless.

29. I can walk a lot farther than I thought.

PUTERS vs AUTOMOBILES......

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the

computer industry with the auto industry and stated:



"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we

would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."



In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:



If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving

cars with the following characteristics:



1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash...Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to

buy a new car.


3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You

would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,

shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could

continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause

your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would

have to reinstall the engine.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was

reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run

on only five percent of the roads.


6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all

be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.


7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.


8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out

and refuse to let you in until you simultan eously lifted the door

handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.


9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn

how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate

in the same manner as the old car.


10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swfThis is for all ya hardcore beer drinkers, enjoy

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Coachman,

WAL-MART INTERVIEW


A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!... icon_eek.gif icon_eek.gif icon_sad.gif

Change

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane He
turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America ?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
change America when you don't know shit ?hjh

I guess you could put anyones name in that joke? A Coachman. lol thats good.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?




2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.




3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?




4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!




5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.




6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?





7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.




8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?









9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Email Warning! -

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line,
do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton," do not open it.

It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

Ya just gotta love our older VETS.......

This man,73,wears a protective flap over his ear while,
Senator Ted Kennedy,
Barack O'Bama,and
Hillary Clinton address the Veterans of Foreign Wars.

Wonder if those are for sale???

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had
to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that
she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year
old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb
felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a
deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a
problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could
deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and

teasing, holding one another.


As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out
of the room!?? Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!'

Watch for upcoming company mergers in 2009:

FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants

Victoria ’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

a little girl goes with her dad to the barbershop. While he is getting his haircut, she stands right beside the chair, eating a snacky cake.

The barber looks down and says:
" You're going to get hair on your twinkie."
The little girl looks up and says.:
" Yeah, and mom says I'll get boobies, too."