Refrigeration Truck Driver

This Refrigeration Truck Driver goes into the bar and he asks the bartender "I like to have a shot of GIN"
The bartender thought to himself "Well this crazy SOB asking for some Gin, I think i should get him real good".
So the bartender says " Alright what kind of Gin would you like?"
The trucker said "You mean there's more than one kinda' Gin?"
Bartender say's "Sure you've got Hydrogen, Oxyogen, and Nitrogen".
The trucker said "Oh!!!! Well did you know there are three kind's of Turds?"
Bartender say's "What do you mean three kinds of Turds?"
Trucker say's "Well you've got Mustard, Custard, and YOU!!! YOU BIG SHIT, Ya know what i mean".

A Man who lost one of his Arms

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling, humming and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? "
He said, "I'm NOT happy - MY BUTT ITCHES!!!"

To rob a Bank

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

A woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she
heard a strange
buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she
asked: "what in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied: "mom, i'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. please, go
away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming
from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. t

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said:
"dad i'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever
get to a husband. please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping
trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise
coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and
observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and
staring at the tv. the vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy. The wife asked: "what the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied: "i'm watching football with my
son-in-law."

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up,
"I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang
her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

Some things you're not likely to hear anytime soon.

1] Oh Mr. telemarketer, am I ever so glad to hear from you!
2] In other news, Disney's animated remake of Deep Throat continues to break box office records.
3] Okay, okay, settle down. Now each of you has a bottle of tequila. I'm gonna start the music and every time you hear the word ' jammin ' take a swig. The last one to puke gets to be Pope.
4] Boy, it was hard to get these tickets, but how often does Rosie O'Donnell play Hamlet?
5] Don't give up on him, nurse. If the pudding can't cure him, maybe the iguanas can!
6] Excuse me, but does your store carry any extra-small condoms. You know the ones about the size of baby carrot?
7] That pantsuit is really turning me on.
8] No, no, honey. Go on, I love it when you tell our guests all about the outrageous places you and your ex-boyfriend got it on. Tell 'em about the airplane bathroom, that's my favourite.
9] That nose ring looks awesome,Mom!
10] Just take a little off the back, shorten the sides and make sure to really clear the way for that bald spot to shine through.
11] When I grow up I want to be a High School Guidence Counsellor.
12] I'm sorry, sweetheart, I can't lie. that far away look in my eyes when we make love is because I'm thinking of Celine Dion..oh, sweet, sweet, Celine...
13] You wear the Star Jones mask and I'll pretend to be Tony Robbins. I know its a little kinky but that's why I'm paying you.
14] You know you're right, dear. It was funny when the rake hit me in the nuts. You were right to laugh.
15] Wait, officer, I think you made a mistake. Given the time of day, this parking ticket should be for $ 60 not $ 20.
16] What's that, Angelina Jolie? You want to make desparate love to me? I'd love to have sex with you but I can't betray the girl I'm casually dating and only slightly fond of.
17] Rob Schneider, surely you're not going to wear the same pants to the Oscars that you wore to accept your Nobel Prize?
18] Then Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny fought to the death. Many an elf cried that day, but nothing could be done, so the villagers gathered to eat the corpses and that's how Arbor Day began...
19] Oh, please. I couldn't possibly accept your offer of a million dollars for my dog.
20] I totally agree, Mr. President. Dick Cheney is an idiot.

9] That nose ring looks awesome, Mom

Uhm, actually, that's been said in my house...

To add:

Creative stress relief

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a
spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.
(This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of
having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to
have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule
was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other
products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations
were acceptable.

About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and
created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of
the week went very well for everyone

The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs

A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia Schiffer next to him on the bed. He thinks this is a little odd, as he doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million.


This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.


Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns around. In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well. He asks the leprechaun what is going on.


"Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as I was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me."


"Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah I got that one. What about the other two?"


"The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a cool million."


"And them out there?" asks the guy,


"You said you wanted to be hung like a black man."

I complained about my recent electric bill and here's the response !!

Dear Electric Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted
that you have no choice. We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have the power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you. We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response. Have a nice day and keep those checks coming, loser!

Sincerely,

Your Local Power Co

HaaH!!

Ugly butts..

Young Napoleon goes to the beach and struts about showing off his bod in the hopes of attracting some interested and interesting females.. but...nothing.. he slumps down in the sand and tries to figure out what went wrong. He asks the Rocketeer for some advice..
"well, boy.. first thing you got to do is lose that stupid set of trunks and get yourself a flashy speedo, then I suggest you get a fist size potato and slip it into the speedos, spruce up the image a little. I guarantee you the women will come hither in no time."

So off Nappy goes and the next day he's strutting down the beach in his snazzy new speedo with the potato slipped inside but instead of the ladies swarming all over him, they're turning away in disgust, mothers are grabbing their kids and leaving the beach, men are shaking their heads and threatening him with their fists.

Napoleon goes to the Rocketeer and asks what went wrong..
Rocketeer takes one look and says. " Geez, Kid.. the potato goes in the front!"

Hahaaaa!! good one :-)

But you dont exactly know how big mines is :-D

anyways...KEEP EM COMING!!

and oh..it would be really cool if you could include Napoleon in the joke...:-)

Sayonara! :-)

Retirement's only a few years away...



Confessions of a retired person having fun

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a Senior a break."

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So, I called him a piece of dog sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I don't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age!

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.



Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."



In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.



Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."



A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your bat and your glove. Let's go outside and play some baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."



They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.



The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again" ~

Damm gunny, I never even saw that one coming, great!