A C-130 is lumbering through the air when a F-18 zips up beside it. The fighter pilot radios the bigun and says " Hey, watch what I can do."

the plane then blasts ahead into a barrel roll, slides into an Imelmann, goes into a rapid climb, then blasts through the sound barrier before settling back off the C-130's port beam.

The cargo skipper radios back. " Hell, boy, watch this!"

For the next five minutes the plane just flies along in a straight line.

The fighter pilot radios: " What the hell was that? nothing happened. What did you do? "

" Got up, had a stretch, took a piss, walked back and got a coffee and a donut and read a magazine. "

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

Two drunbks look up from a park bench.. One says to the other.. "Hey, there's the moon!"

Second replies.. "Yer nuts... that's the sun.."

they are arguing back and forth until a third drunk stumbles by.

" hey, buddy!.. Is that the sun or the Moon up there? "

The third drunk stares up at the sky and then turns to the two winos..
" Sorry, guy.. I don't live around here. "

Reincarnation phobia: The fear that you'll come back as yourself

Definition of a Canadian: An unarmed American with Health Insurance.

************************************************
A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight
to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A"
under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?," the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

************************************************
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

************************************************
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"

"Horrible?! You think its horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed.

"It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'

So - if you give her crap -

you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle.

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the
senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly&nbs p; guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter
is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. .



Today you voted.'

Ralph and Mary were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

Ralph suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Mary asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff..."

"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Whats the differance between a liberals car and an elephant? On an elephant, the ass hole is on the out side.

One morning Rob asked his buddy if he wanted to go to the lake.
Rob had been down there the day before and noticed all the fine Pun-tang and thought the two of them should explot it.
Rob told his buddy that he had gotten use of his friends boat and they should go down and see if they could get some girls.
Robs friend had to work and said he couldn't make it.so Rob went down by himself.
The next day Rob met up with his buddy and told him of all the ass he had gotten. His friend was curious about how he did it, because Rob ant the prettiest guy ever to walk the earth.
Rob told him that he would pick up a hot chick in his friends speed boat and take her out to the middle of the lake and tell them "F@ck or swim".
Rob was proud of all the pussy he had plunderd from his scam. His friend a little put of by his explot told him of his disaproval.
Undeterd the next Day Rob asked his buddy again. Same thing his Friend had to work.So Rob went of to the lake for another day of pilaging.
The next day with a hitch in his walk Rob met up with his friend again and was asked how his day went at the lake.
Rob ansewerd with a grunt.
"well it was going good , and then I picked up this chick and took her out to the middle of the lake and told her F@ck or swim"
"She drop her swimsuit and the biggest D!ck I ever saw dropped out of there" He told his friend.
HIs friend curious asked what he did?
Rob replied "You KNow I don't swim"

Army Wisdom

A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason.
Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you're not ready for them.
b. When you're ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.

Lil food for thought









Have heard that newspapers are laying off many reporters but are they skimping on the proofreaders too?:



Recent Headlines:



Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!




War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!



If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!



And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Hilary and His Holiness have seen it all before, however, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Democrat in the world go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave from her elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy. This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all the people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

http://picasaweb.google.com/grandpaw001/DropBox?authkey...#5247798712004425874



Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you¢re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.

Here we are trying to pick the next POTUS..I'll
go as far as to say..some people will do ANYTHING...to "GET THE VOTE"

Dammit Stick! Ya need to put a "no drinking before viewing" warning on this. Now I got root beer all over the monitor.....