quote:

Originally posted by SQUID:
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vi...958&imageID=26862473

"THIS IMAGE IS SET TO PRIVATE"
Means NO CAN SEE PICHUR.....

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Weatherman1956:
101 Ways To Annoy People

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

I had an employee write a payroll for June 31 once. She is now a lawyer. Figures, dosen't it. Also, I have done some of those 101.

Lets all sing the "yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've got love in my tummy" song now!

Careful Harry old phoon might see a little sense of humor.

German Aviation Terminology


AIRCRAFT---Der Fliegenwagen

JET TRANSPORT---Der Muchen Overgrössen Biggenmother Das ist fliegen Highenfaster mit all der Mach Und Flightenlevels. (Built by Boeing)

PROPELLER---Der Airfloggen Pushenthruster

ENGINE---Der Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airflöggenfan Pushenthruster

JET ENGINE---Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken Airpushenbacken Thrustermaker mit Compressorsqueezen und Turbinespinnen Bladenrotors. (Made by Pratt & Whitney)

CONTROL COLUMN---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick

RUDDER PEDALS---Der Tailschwingen Yawmakenwerks

PILOT---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwingen Werker

PASSENGER---Der Dummkopf das est Strappened en der Baacken mit der other Dummkopfs das est Expecten to leave undgo on Scheduledtimen und Arriven mit der Luggagebags Somplaceneisen

STUDENT PILOT---Der Dummkopf dass Learnen Fliegen und Hopen to Jobenfinden mit der Airlinens

FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR---Der Timenbuilder mit less den 1000 Hrs Multienginefliegen. Teachen Dummkopfs to Fliegen vile Waitenwatchen für der Letter mit der Joböffering von United

AIRLINE TRANSPORT PILOT---Das Grosse Overpaiden und Underwerken Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck dat Fliegen mit das Big Airlinen

PARACHUTE---Der Stringencotten das ist usen to Floaten der Tailschwingen Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Werker down to Earthen ven der Fliegenwagen ist Kaputen

FAA---Der Friggenfliegen Dummkopf Schmucks das Maken Alder Rülens und Regulations

HELICOPTER --- Der Flingen Wingen Maschinen mit der Floppen Bladens dot ist Fliegen by der Dummkopfs vas ist too Stupiden für Knowen des Maschinens ist not Safen für Fliegen.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a sexy leather bodice, stilettos and mask over their eyes


After a few days they meet again........

The engaged girlfriend said: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, stilettos and mask. He said, you are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had Wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night; I got myself ready, leather bodice, and super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

Any of you have teenagers?

Poem to Dad

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Dad, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'

Dad's Reply

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D ..
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mar t shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best. '

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski, Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'

Wine
.....

To
my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who
don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in
beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.



In
a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than
1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found
in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
poop.

However,
we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because
alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.


Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine
= Health ,

Therefore,
it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of shit .


There
is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

A Gorilla sat in his cage at the zoo reading the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.. he was having a tough time deciding if he was his Brother's Keeper or his Keeper's Brother.

1st guy: A man never truly realizes how much love and contentment he has until he's married
2nd guy: yeah, but by then its too late.

I had it all; money, a big house, fast cars, a villa, a private jet and the love of a beautiful woman - then my wife found out.

three nuns die and go to heaven. They are stopped by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates where he tells them they have to answer a question before entering. To the first nun he says:
"Who was the first woman?"
She replied: "Eve"
" Correct!. you may enter."
to the second nun he says: " Who was the first man?"
She replied: " Adam ! "
" Right, Go in. "
He turned to the third nun and said. " Since you are the Mother Superior, your question is a bit more difficult - What were Eve's first words to Adam ?"
The Nun frowned: " Oh, that's a hard one . "
" Exactly Right!. Enter ! "

2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule of Events

7:00 pm OPENING FLAG BURNING
7:15 pm PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE U.N.
7:20 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
7:25 pm NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton
7:45 pm CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - Darryl Hannah
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
8:00 pm HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET - Al Gore
8:15 pm GAY WEDDING PLANNING - Rosie O'Donnell
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
8:40 pm OUR TROOPS ARE WAR CRIMINALS - John Kerry
9.00 pm MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
11:05 pm COLLECTION FOR THE OSAMA BIN LADEN KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FUND - Barbara Streisand
11:15 pm FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY - Sean Penn
11:30 pm OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
11:50 pm HOW GEORGE BUSH BROUGHT DOWN THE WORLD TRADE TOWERS - Howard Dean
12:15 am TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
12:30 am SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am NOMINATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA - Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
1:05 am CORONATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA
1:30 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hilary home

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
-Mark Twain

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself."
-Mark Twain

"I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
-Winston Churchill

"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
- George Bernard Shaw

"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money."
-G. Gordon Liddy

"Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner."
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

"Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries."
-Douglas Casey,

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

"Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else."
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

"I don't make jokes... I just watch the government and report the facts."
-Will Rogers

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!"
- P.J. O'Rourke

"In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other."
-Voltaire (1764)

"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!"
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session."
-Mark Twain (1866 )

"Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it."
-Unknown

"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal: a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other."
-Ronald Reagan

"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery."
-Winston Churchill

"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
-Mark Twain

"The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools."
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

"There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress."
-Mark Twain

"What this country needs are more unemployed politicians."
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

AND THE BEST ONE.......
"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have."
-Thomas Jefferson

EXERCISE...........Examples...DOs and Don'ts

Now, on the subject of Exercise, remember these simple examples of what you should and should not do when exercising.

DO: Pace yourself. Don't over-exert, especially when beginning an exercise program.

DO: Work into exercise GRADUALLY. Say, over 80 or 90 years. Start by watching exercise videos, then build up to humming along with the background music. Drooling at women in Spandex also burns calories and improves cardio-vascular fitness.

DO: Maintain a safe, injury-free exercise area. Protective padding to prevent falls is recommended. Cushioned surfaces to reduce impact injuries are preferred. Proper body position is critical to healthy and effective exercise. A LazyBoy or BarcaLounger provides all these safety features in one, compact unit.

DO: Use a well-rounded workout program. Running, Jogging and Jumping all provide similar and yet varied exercise to critical muscle groups, so use them in a balanced exercise regimen. I find that Running my mouth, Jogging my memory and Jumping to the occasional conclusion form the backbone of my fitness workout.

DO: Involve the family. Exercise is a social activity, as well as a physical activity. Have your children, your wife, your girlfriend or others exercise while you supervise. Remember, you know more about safety and fitness than they do, so share that knowledge with the ones you love. Be sure to use the safety equipment provided on the LazyBoy to protect yourself while they exercise.

DON'T: Be fooled by the recent craze of so-called "Aerobic" exercises. Aerobic is actually a form of Bacteria, and we all know what THEY do. The act of intentionally making yourself breathe hard while there are Bacteria around will only cut short your precious life. Avoid it. Besides, all that air friction in the lungs will wear them out prematurely.

DON'T: Think that an elevated Heart Rate during exercise (the alleged Training Heart Rate scam) is a good thing either. Just as an engine is stressed to the point of failure by over-revving, the heart can be also. Keep your heart rate down and at a safe pace. Watch only one or two videos at a time, as watching women in Spandex can cause excessive elevation of your heart rate.

DON'T: Buy, rent or use sophisticated exercise equipment or apparatus. Remember, more people are killed by machines than machines are killed by people. Besides, the only weight you will lose is from your wallet. If you want to lift weight, get your fat arse out of the LazyBoy and go get a beer.


DO: Remember that the objective of any exercise program is to finish with a Heart Rate greater than Zero.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window..

The driver rolls down his window and asks, ‘What happened, what’s the hold Up?’
‘Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O’Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and Set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.’
The driver asks, ‘On average, how much is everyone giving?’




‘About a gallon.’

Hey, if size doesn't matter, how come the ol ladies vibrator isn't 3 inches long and crooked?

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV. THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED.

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP.

GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH.

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID: 'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT... THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD

SULLY 5x5 that always been there ???

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he
notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives
on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real
and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you
my son?

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was
interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led
through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at closed door
and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in
the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the
hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and
slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking
lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER