For those of us giving serious thought towards retirement options:


This is another way to retire and don't worry about your children not taking care of you when you are old.

About 2 years ago my friend and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.

I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc all seemed very familiar with this lady.

I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".

She replied, "Yes, that's true."

I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. And the rest can be put into the slot machines.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed everyday of the week)

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips and your casino winnings will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress eplaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

Had a colonoscopy this week, and on the way out, I just had to ask the doc for a favor..."Could you write a note for my wife stating that my head is in fact not up there?”

thegunny

you made my day...and maybe my retirement too.

http://en.c artoline.net/jokes1.htm I thought these monkey were worth checking out.

QUAINT THOUGHTS


1. There are two sides to every divorce . . Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade . . if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Mary's.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life

14. Shopping tip:You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody . . .�nobody is perfect . . �and therefore I am perfect.

16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan
to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and
lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling
well?

20. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're
on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A DREAM COME TRUE

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to
have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on
an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and
coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day
when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In
disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when
my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove
the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman.
'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the
man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you
like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop
of coconut juice. '

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman.
'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts,
and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs
in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What's next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons
for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been
out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She
stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. 'You mean' ... he swallows excitedly and
tears start to form in his eyes. . . . . . 'Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!'

It's not often I 'laugh out' the word "pathetic"......

quote:

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

quote:

Viagra

Viagra Extra Strength

A weatherman1956 walks into a drug store and says to the Pharmacist behind the counter,

'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me going... keep me potent.'

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says, 'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'

Very happy and excited, the weatherman1956 says, 'Gimme three boxes.'

The next day the weatherman1956 walks into the same drug store, right up to the same Pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the weatherman1956's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The weatherman1956 says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'

The Pharmacist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'

The weatherman1956 says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
------------------------------------------------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....

************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security applic ation.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** *********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked,'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** *********************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”



A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,”You’re cute.” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”

She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”



A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

How to get people to be on time for work and enjoy working:

Serve Alcohol

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

quote:

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

With coffee...you just get a bunch of wide awake drunks.

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.