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wanna hear a joke?

boy scouts

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Astronauts Joke
How do you get an astronaut baby to sleep? Rocket

What should an astronaut do when he gets dirty? Take a meteor shower

What did the astronaut get when the rocket fell on his foot? Mistletoe

What did the astronaut think of the restaurant on the moon? He thought the food was fine but there wasn't much of an atmosphere

What did the astronaut see on the stove? An unidentified frying object

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar

What do you call an astronaut's watch? A lunar-tick

Where do astronauts keep their sandwiches? In their launch boxes

Why don't astronauts relate well to other people? They are not always down-to-earth

Why do astronauts wear bullet-proof vests? To protect themselves against shooting stars

What happens to astronauts who misbehave? They’re grounded

Did you hear the one about the spaceship? It was out of this world

What do you call a space magician? A flying saucerer

What kind of Star Wars toy can you ride? A Toy-Yoda

When is the moon not hungry? When it is full

How did the rocket lose its job? It was fired

How does the astronaut describe his work? Heavenly

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Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Now there's a man with an open mind—you can feel the breeze from here.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. (Groucho should know, he was married three times)
'Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.'
'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!' — Groucho Marx

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The Scoutmaster and his Tenderfoot son went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the Tenderfoot said, "Dad, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".
His Scoutmaster father responded, "I see millions and millions of stars".
Tenderfoot Son: "And what does that tell you?"
Scoutmaster Dad: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, son?"
Tenderfoot Son: "It tells me you forgot to pack the tent again"

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Scouting Humor and Jokes
Top Ten Reasons Why I'm In Scouting
10 - My basement was empty and needed remodeling anyway.
9 - I get to wear a uniform.
8 - I like the smell of bug repellant.
7 - I enjoy going to the bathroom in the woods.
6 - I'm in it for the crafts.
5 - I'm allergic to house chores (needed something to fill the void).
4 - I get quality time with my son and 30 of his closest friends.
3 - It's a great way to collect coffee mugs.
2 - I needed a tax write off.
1 - It only takes an hour each week.
You know you've been a Scouter too long when:
You think foil packs are a delicacy
You give your Patrol Yell before Sunday Dinner
You yell "Buddy check!" while your kids take a bath
You need a raise, so you ask your boss for a Board of Review
You have no idea why there is a handle on the toilet
You fix your leaky roof with seam sealer
You send your son to the grocery store with a backpack
Your idea of a cruise is a canoe float
You quit your car pool and hike to work
You Might Be Taking Your Scouting Too Seriously If:
You buy that '89 Chevy Caprice because you really like that fleur delis hood ornament.
Your favorite color is "Tan drab"
You decide to lash together the new deck on the back of your house.
You plan to serve foil meals at your next dinner party.
You walk the streets in broad daylight with a coffee cup and flashlight hanging from your belt.
You raise your hand in the scout sign at a heated business meeting.
You were arrested by airport security because you wouldn't give up your official Scout pocket knife until the cop said "thank you".
You didn't mind losing power to your house for three days.
Your son hides his copy of The Scout Shop Catalog from you.
Your plans for remodeling the bathroom include digging the hole deeper.
You trade your 25 foot centre console fishing boat in on that great little 15 foot canoe.
Your favorite movie is "Follow Me Boys" starring Fred Mcmurray, and you spent months trying to convince Disney to release it on home video.
Your patron saint is Ward Cleaver.
You disconnect the automatic dishwasher in favor of the "3 pot method".
You sneak a cup of "bug juice" after the troop turns in for the night.
You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together.
You gave your wife a mummy bag rated for -15 degrees F for Christmas.
You name one of your kids Baden.
You can recite the 12 points of the Scout Law backwards, in order, in 3 seconds flat.
You bought 10,000 shares of Coleman stock on an inside tip they were about to release a microwave accessory for their camp stove line.
You can't eat eggs anymore unless they are cooked in a zip-locked bag.
You plan to get rich by writing a best selling Dutch Oven cook book.
You actually own a left-handed smoke shifter.
Singing "Scout Vespers" makes you cry uncontrollably.
You were disappointed when Leader magazine didn't win the Pulitzer Prize last year.
Tate's Compass Co.
There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream to
have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's
Compass Company.
Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000
compasses for the Boy Scouts.
Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin.
On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way.
Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South.
Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage:
"He who has a Tate's is lost." (Say it out loud).
Attention Hikers:
Bear Warning
If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and Summer, please note the
following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear
country.
The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be careful because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears.
Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Kodiak/brown bears.
One can easily spot a Kodiak/brown bear's droppings. Those are the droppings that contain tiny bells.
Helpful Camping Tips
1~When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the
campsites on either side vacant.
2~ Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
3~ Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
4~When smoking a fish, never inhale.
5~A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
6~You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
7~The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
8~Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
9~While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has
remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle .
10~Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
11~Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a
downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
12~Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
13~You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
14~You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
15~The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
16~When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
17~You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
18~Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
19~A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
20~A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A otato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
21~You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
22~In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
23~The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
24~A large carp can be used for a pillow.
25~Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
26~The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
27~It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
28~Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
29~A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
30~In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
Elementary My Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?," inquired Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute, and said "
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three .
Theologically, I can that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"That someone has stolen our tent, Watson!"
The Camping Trip
A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children
leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up
the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother
set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the
youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the
camp is set up."
Hope They Weren’t Scouts
These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by
backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
*"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a
way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
* "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
* "Instead of a permit system for hikers, the Forest Service needs to reduce
worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
* "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
* "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go
uphill."
* "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the
wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
* "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
* "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views
without having to hike to them."
* "Need more signs to keep area pristine."
* "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
* "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
* "Too many rocks in the mountains."
* "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please
eradicate these annoying animals."

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Originally posted by thegunny:
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams