Coachman I know he is right but there is a better way of making a statement without treats.

Sully1 I did not take it as a threat, I was stupid for posting that dumb joke. I was lost in my own stupidity. call it a mad moment and move on. I take full responciblity for beind stupid lol no harm intended.

Rollie

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch! on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you’re too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally…You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Two Crusaders were returning home from the Holy Land, after crossing the desert they approached the Sea and looked for food and shelter.. There, before them was a Lemonade Stand.. they stopped and the first knight was given a drink.. the second knight stepped up to claim his drink and was refused service." What is the problem? Why do you deny me service?" he demanded. The shoppe keeper shook his head and replied. " This is a one knight stand. "

Ba-Da-Boom!

A travelling salesman had been driving all night and was exhausted. So he pulled over to the side of the road and decided to take a nap. Just as he was drifting quietly to sleep, somone knocked on his car window. He opened his eyes to see a jogger, who asked." Excuse me.. do you have the time? " " It's 8:10 " said the salesman..

He tried to go back to sleep when there was another knock at the car window. Two road crewmen were standing there. " Do you have the time,buddy?" " 8:25 " he grumped and settled back down.. moments later another knock and a hitchiker stood at the window. " Can you tell me the time?" The salesman yelled at him.. " 8:45! now f*k off and let me sleep. "
He hauled out his briefcace, pulled out a sheet of paper and scribbled a note to stick on his window. It read: " I don't know what time it is!" and tried to nap again.. Mere minutes later there was another knock on his window. Groaning he rolled it down to see a Boy Scout standing there. " It's 9:00, sir! "


A tourist was watching a religious ceremony in a small town.. The pageant included the parading of a statue about the village square. The tourist turned to a man standing watching and said;" Could you tell me about that statue? What is the name of that god? " " Why do you want to know? " the man replied. " Oh, just idol curiosity. "

okay..okay... I'm leaving...

I might try this out myself just to see what happens...

A man walks up to an attractive woman in Walmart and says:

" Do you mind if a stay with you a few moments?"
Woman : " Excuse me? "
Man:
" Well , you see I've gotten separated from my wife and I can't find her. "
Woman: " How does that involve me?"
Man:
" Well, whenever I stop to talk to a beautiful woman she turns right up. "

TWO
OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST
NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH
BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND
THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE
WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
"YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS
DEAD!"

"DEAD?"
SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"


"WELL,
SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS
FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE - I THINK MINE WAS A
WITCH."


"A
WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"


"WELL,
I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE
BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH
HER!"

Gunter,the Red Baron, a WWI German flying ace goes to a brothel and picks out a young girl for his ' entertainment' .. as he passes the complimentary bar he snatches a bottle of brandy and follows the ' lady' to the boudoir.

After they undress and after a bit of 'foreplay', the old pilot picks up the bottle and pours it on the young woman's ' nether regions'.. She sighs.. " Oooh, kinky old bugger, aren't you? "

He then reaches over pulls out his leather flying helmet and goggles, slaps then on his head and then strikes a match trying to light the brandy.

The girl screams and runs out of the room.
the madam appears and demands to know what the hell is going on.

" When the Baron goes down! He goes down in flames!!"

Now thats funny

Drinking Buddies
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."



Library Complaint
Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."



Jars and Bottles
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

quote:

Originally posted by Coachman:
Sully1 the squid is right, I meant no harm with the joke I posted, I as sorry if any one was angered with it I will delete it. again I am sorry for posting an inaprotate joke.

lol, I personelly LMFAO at that joke, but I'm sure theres gotta be at least 1 black person here and I would hate to see a much valued member with years of service under his belt such as yourself get banned.

it would take much more than an 'off colored joke' to result in a banning.

After all, we do tell ethnic jokes aplenty in here.

The way we look at it, if yer skin is that thin, you really should be someplace that we ain't.

Just a quick letter regarding passport renewal...enjoy!

Dear sir

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT!

I apologize, I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my ****in’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin’ there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another ****in’ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services i n the same spot to assist in t he issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You’d rather have us running all over the ****in’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (****in’ morons)

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA !

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who.

Squid is of the 'zero tolerence' era.
Every thing said and done will be on his
cruiser cam or radio.

No more good cop letting the good kid caught doing something naughty go back home with a 'warning'.

In fact the whole meaning of warnings have changed in the english language.

It's sort of the way the weather 'warnings'
are ment. A 'warning' doesn't mean 'next time'.
When you get a 'tornado warning' the twister has been spotted or indicated by radar. So the warning means this time.

Zero tolerence. Can't get off when caught breaking the rules. No exceptions.

Right squid? When you catch a gang banger holding or fighting or a DUI...they will
go down...Gang banger or anybody for that matter. (if another officer or the cam is a witness).

quote:

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

This is funny enough to be a joke, in fact it is a joke

stupid idiot

Facesearch

Check it out!