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 Registered: 24 January 2005
Posts: 3518
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Posted
    SEMPER FI The Gunny PROUD TO BE AN INFIDEL America is not at war. The Marines are at war, America is at the mall. |
"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
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Posted
Not So Smart
The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "What do you think of all the white man has done?" The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Medicine man free. Indian people hunted and fished all the time." The chief paused, then added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." The Devil You Say The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived." "Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?" The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity." "Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?" Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
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Posted
OK now for the chuckle for the day.
No one believes seniors .. . . everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning" Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . " The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here." Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
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Posted
Tricks for a Better Relationship
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does." Last Request A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests?" asked the Chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?" It's Time to Get a New Lawyer When - The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other. - During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. - He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." - He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." - During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. - Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. - He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. - Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. - Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." - He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs." - He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. - He begins closing arguments with, "As Denny Crane once said..." Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
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Registered: 24 January 2005
Posts: 3518
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Posted
A young man walks up to a bar and sits down next to two old-timers, orders two shots, and immediately downs them. As the two geezers eye him, he orders another two shots, and a beer. He downs the two shots, and stares mournfully into his beer.
The first old timer says, “What’s bothering you, son?” The young man says, swilling his beer, “I’m getting married tomorrow, and I think I’m getting cold feet.” The second old timer says, “Cold feet? You came to the right place, between the two of us, we’ve been married over eighty years! Ask us anything you want” The young man thinks for a second, shuffles nervously on the barstool, and says, “Well, I’ve heard that women change after you’ve married them! I love her, but I just don’t know!” The first old timer laughs and says, “Nonsense! My wife is the same delicate flower she’s always been: sweet, caring, and dinner on the table every night. Why, I even started getting footrubs after we hitched!” The young man nods thoughtfully, and continues, “Well, I’ve heard they can kind of get a little controlling, not letting us go out with the guys as much…” The second geezer chuckles and says, “Marriage brought my relationship to a whole new level of trust. Mine lets me go out whenever I want, come back whenever I want, and stopped interrogating me the second I said, ‘I do’!” “The sex! I heard there’s no more blow jobs, and that I’ll be lucky to get lucky once a month!” The groom-to-be shouted out. Both men started laughing, the first one saying, “Are you joking? Marriage brought a whole new level of intimacy to our relationship! Our sex is as often, and hotter than ever! In fact, because she trusts me so much, she lets me do things now that she never did before!” The young man sighed, obviously relieved. Looking back and forth between the two old men, he thanked them, saying, “You guys have really been great. You know what? I’m going home, right now, and I’m going to call Wanda and tell her I love her. I owe it all to you two.” Saying this, he ran out of the bar. Geezer one looked at geezer two and said, “Nobody frigging warned me.” SEMPER FI The Gunny PROUD TO BE AN INFIDEL America is not at war. The Marines are at war, America is at the mall. |
 Location: Arizona
Registered: 08 May 2005
Posts: 1830
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Posted
Reminds me of one.
Young guy goes in a bar (imagine that), asks the bartender to set him up with a beer and a shot. He gulps down both furiously. Bar tender says "Rough day, huh?" Young guy says "Set me up again, please. And, yeah, if you had what I had, you'd be downing them like I am too." He gulps the other two drinks down. Bar tender says "Man, must be really bad. What you got?" "About fifty cents." |
 Location: hanging around
Registered: 08 March 2005
Posts: 1020
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Posted
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
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Location: Arizona
Registered: 08 May 2005
Posts: 1830
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Posted
THAT was a "groaner", Weatherman.
Here's another-- A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.' Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, ' Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police. 'I like it!' said his seat mate. The agent t hen told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.' |
"Former Marine Cadet and Future Marine" Location: Albuquerque
Registered: 25 October 2007
Posts: 99
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Posted
lol, Sir... I would watch it, its shit like that that'll get u baned and called "that ****** guy" (south park) -------------------------------- Former C/Sgt: MCJROTC (2006-2008). Enlisting in the USMC August 5th 2010 (my 17th B-Day). Future 0311 (Infantryman) If you wont stand behind our troops feel free to stand in front of them. Every time someone votes Obama on election day, the Bill of Rigts will be in an ounce of more jeopardy. |
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Registered: 24 January 2005
Posts: 3518
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Posted
watch all of this one....
SEMPER FI The Gunny PROUD TO BE AN INFIDEL America is not at war. The Marines are at war, America is at the mall. |
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Registered: 24 January 2005
Posts: 3518
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Posted
recent quote from Willie Nelson on his 75th birthday: "I have outlived my dick!"
SEMPER FI The Gunny PROUD TO BE AN INFIDEL America is not at war. The Marines are at war, America is at the mall. |
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
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Posted
Squidley your right I am sorry but damn it was funny I will be good from now on trust me.
PS it is nice to be called SIR, but I WORKED FOR A LIVING IN THE ARMY  Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
 Location: South Western Colorado
Registered: 24 November 2005
Posts: 1360
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Posted
Squid -the Coachman's comment might have been a little over the top but you don't do the banning lighten up.
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
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Posted
Did
you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes. Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
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"Retired SFC, USArmy" Location: KY
Registered: 20 May 2005
Posts: 2038
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Posted
Sully1 the squid is right, I meant no harm with the joke I posted, I as sorry if any one was angered with it I will delete it. again I am sorry for posting an inaprotate joke.
Count it the greatest sin to prefer life to honor, and for the sake of living to lose what makes it worth living. -junival c.50-c.130 |
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