How it all began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.


Navigation Joke
"Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"

"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.

"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.


Niece and Nephew
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

Who's the Strongest
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”



Deer Crossing
Ok, so I live in this semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no loger wanted them to cross there.



Mind of a six-year-old
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy moley! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



Stupid
One day theres a couple of kids in a psychology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class “stand up if u think you’re stupid!” after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says “do you think you’re stupid Johnny?”

To which Little Johnny replies “No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!”

The Journey of Man
>
>
> When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a
> girlfriend.
>
>
> When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no
> passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with
> a zest for life.
>
>
> In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
> emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a
> drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
> suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
>
>
> When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was
> boring. She was totally predictable and never got
> excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
> decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
>
>
> When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
> keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to
> another, never settling on anything. She did mad
> impetuous things and made me miserable as often as ha
> p py. She was great fun initially and very energetic,
> but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with
> some real ambition.
>
>
> When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with
> her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
> She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
> everything I owned.
>
>
> I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl
> with big tits.

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday at Noon.
Closed coffin.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected…

Women's Azz Size Study





There is a new study just released
by the American Psychiatric

Association about women and how
they feel about their azzes



The results are pretty shocking:



1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel
their azz is too big.



2. 10% of women surveyed feel their
azz is too small.



3.. The remaining 85% say they don't
care; they love him; he's a good man
and they would have
married him anyway.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him
down the correct aisle A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you
were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see,
it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and
some rolling papers; cause it's
soooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own
........... so does she."

A Tazer Story
>
> To give you some background information, Rex, the author of this email, is
> in his mid 40's, about 6'4 and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is
> quite an intelligent person.
>
> Dear Friends,
>
> My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
> something akin to "Well, I have outdone myself once again." No doubt you
> will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.
> Here goes.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
> (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something
> really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
> looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across
> was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of
> you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun
> gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a
> shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety.
> The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
> affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to
> safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push
> the button, and it
> will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
> pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then
> you're truly missing out - way too cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
> batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
> disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
> directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
> not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
> effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
> against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
> back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
> so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
> explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
> There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
> soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking
> that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
> must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was
> going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
> did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there
> I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
> delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in
> another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
> disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
> spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
> make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with
> two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
> Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
> Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
> I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as if to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst
> from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound,
> rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided
> to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
>
> (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty.
> It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
> seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to
> my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *********!!!! I'm pretty sure
> that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that
> recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely
> recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
> testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under
> my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds
> I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,
> "Do it again, do it again!"
>
> (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
> caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
> lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
> yours truly.)
>
> SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
> was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
> left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
> mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
> and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
> up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
> two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think
> they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large. Miss
> 'em ..... sure would like to get 'em back.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
>
> THANK GOD THE DOG WAS FINE !!

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"



Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."






Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!


Don't mess with them!!

OK only one more, but I still think th tazer story is th best WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and
Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Husband says:

When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says:

I clean the toilet…

Husband says:

How does that help?

Wife says:

I use your toothbrush….

You know you are addicted to coffee if:

-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

-You sleep with your eyes open.

-The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

-You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

-You chew on other people’s fingernails.

-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

-You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

-You can jump-start your car without cables.

-You don’t sweat, you percolate.

-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

-You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

-People get dizzy just watching you.

-Instant coffee takes too long.

-You channel surf faster without a remote.

-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

-You short out motion detectors.

-You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

-You help your dog chase its tail.

-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

-You ski uphill.

-You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

-You answer the door before people knock.

-You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

-You are a Navy Master Chief

-You are a Marine Corps Gunnery Sargeant


Any of this striking close to home?

I once made a cup of instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time...

quote:

Originally posted by thegunny:
You know you are addicted to coffee if:

-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

-You sleep with your eyes open.

-The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

-You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

-You chew on other people’s fingernails.

-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

-You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

-You can jump-start your car without cables.

-You don’t sweat, you percolate.

-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

-You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

-People get dizzy just watching you.

-Instant coffee takes too long.

-You channel surf faster without a remote.

-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

-You short out motion detectors.

-You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

-You help your dog chase its tail.

-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

-You ski uphill.

-You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

-You answer the door before people knock.

-You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

-You are a Navy Master Chief

-You are a Marine Corps Gunnery Sargeant


Any of this striking close to home?

You've been haning around my shop somewhere?