Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes) the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet .

Wilson’s Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (This one is true every time!)

Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.. (This one is also true every time.)

Had a little bit of entertainment at the house last night after I got off work. My wife an I have an agreement that I don't smoke in the house or the car, so I smoke out in the backyard. We have a 15,000 gallon swimming pool out back and currently its completely empty so we can fix the popup valves and rewire the pool light and such. One of the things about having an empty pool back there, is all the critters that somehow find themselves stuck in there until I or my wife get them out, usually with the aid of big gulp cup. Predicably its lizards and occassionally its big spiders.

Last night while I was out there, my neighbors girls 11 and 14, the eldest is attempting to be a goth chick, were also in thier backyard loudly lamenting about how frigging boring it was and that nothing ever happened out in the foothills. Upon hearing this I happened to look into the pool and low and behold there were 2 very large tarantula's, better than 5 inches across down there.

You guessed it, I went and got the big gulp cup and from the bottom of my pool and performed an overarm launch of each spider right into thier backyard.

About thirty seconds after the second one landed in thier backyard, the screaming began. It was quite an event and there was a great commotion along with sheer terror for about the next 15 minutes as they couldn't get out of that backyard fast enough. Mom would'nt even open the backdoor and I heard her calling her husband, an active duty Colonel and Squadron CO demanding he get his ass home right now and kill these little beasties.

Myself, I sat back and enjoyed several of my Corona's and listened to the show.

I also stare at an empty pool. Steam cleaning, repaint and rewiring of the light as well. This sucks.

yeah its a pain but I'd rather do it ourselves than pay someone a $1000 to do a half assed job on it. I've got emptying the pool down to 3 1/2 hours with the new filter pump. The wife does all the scraping of old paint and repainting the bottom while I'm at work.

Sorry guy's but the chocolate version is sold out at the moment (from high demand, if you can believe it), but if you still really want an anus that you can hold in your hand, then the limited edition silver anus is for you!

The silver version is 55 grams of hallmarked silver that comes with its own presentation box! Perfect item for your office desk! Cost for this silver anus: $460+.

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,
her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob, the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says. “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129.” The priest removed his
hand, but, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129.”

The priest apologized. “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her
way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, “Go forth and seek further up and you will find glory.”


Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and not have a care in the world.”

Puff! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

Puff! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” ! the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered, “Sure , why not.”

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won’t keep you there.


Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Eight sure-fire ways to tell if you are gay:

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.

It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo.

A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat…”Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” You’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord.

A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.

A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute.

Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim” and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you’ve had NutraSweet in your mouth, you’ve had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass.

A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the World cup soccer, Major league, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle.

A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his woman in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui?

The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.

The following are unpublished letters to “Aunty Rhoda” who is a pychologist who answers questions in her column for Parade Magazine in Zimbabwe.


**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
I was married to Murwere for three months, and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.
**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his
**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? ***************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?
**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist a visit an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?
I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t, and he did it.
**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
**********************************
Dear Auntie Rhoda,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
**********************************

"Childcare for dummies"

http://www.theselfishbastard.com/childcare-for-dummies/

Weird drunks



http://by117w.bay117.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.as....106.215&d=d423&mf=0

http://by117w.bay117.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.as....106.215&d=d423&mf=0

http://by117w.bay117.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.as....106.215&d=d423&mf=0


http://by117w.bay117.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.as....106.215&d=d423&mf=0

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there ."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK, because he loved her soooo much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity from birth. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope that you can deal with that - once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis.'
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants - she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
'You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!', she said.
'Yes it is... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 19 inches long!'

Coachman, I tried the links you gave, but I have to login to the site. When I logged in, using my hotmail live id, it gave some error.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found
that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in
gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at th e door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked."

A Marine is working on a Police Training and Transition (PTT) team. Two of his Iraqi Police trainees grab an insurgent, who calls out "By Hussein, let me go!" The IPs drop the insurgent, who runs away.The Marine, astonished, asks why they released the man, and the IPs explain: "He asked for mercy by Hussein, the son of the Prophet, and custom demands that we set him free." A week or two later, the Marine is captured by insurgents. He remembers the IPs, and decides to give it a whirl, so he calls out "By Hussein, let me go!" The leader of the insurgents stares at him for a moment, and then says to the others: "Not only is he an American dog, he's a Shiite too! Kill him!"