prank

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxVovEX9aHg&feature=related

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HILLARY CLINTON AND HER DRIVER WERE CRUISING HOME ALONG A COUNTRY ROAD ONE
EVENING WHEN AN OLD COW LOOMED IN FRONT OF
the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't.

The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to
the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for
the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes
in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle
of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was
smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

'What happened to you,' asked Hillary?

'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave
me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to
me.'

'My God, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary.

The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary
Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The
rest happened so fast couldn't stop it.'

This is so funny that it might just work.

http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/future+weap...ornershot_videogames

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txssjlcxtzA

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop'em," which he did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, " Vietnam "

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A
DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange
juice
A head
of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of
bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated,
'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by
this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the
drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I
said: 'Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did
you know that?'

The drunk replied, ''Cause you're
ugly.

Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who
run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man
who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man
with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport
turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch
ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man
who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong : man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But
next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does
not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon
find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight
with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man
who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's
well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart
in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded
elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the "Best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."

Just open it up, it is very safe to open



mans lament

Price of a Close Shave



A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few. Save the earth, it's the only planet with chocolate!

'Coachman' on a roll...

I find it my duty to keep ya'll entertained

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.

“Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earlene with me.”