At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, the lead singer of the band U2,
Bono, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.

While having everyone's complete attention, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet:

"Well, foockin stop doin' it then, ya evil basturd!"

Two men are talking at work Monday morning.

"What did you do this weekend?"

"Dropped hooks into water."

"Fishing, eh?"

"No, golfing."

Fox Mulder and rppearso are sitting together in a pub. After a few rounds, they challenge each other to see who can hold his breath the longest with his head submerged in a bucket of water. So they both duck their heads under at the same time. After a few minutes they both drowned.

quote:

Originally posted by Weatherman1956:
At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, the lead singer of the band U2,
Bono, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.

While having everyone's complete attention, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet:

"Well, foockin stop doin' it then, ya evil basturd!"

Sad thing is, even though this is posted in "Jokes".....It's true.

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it.

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that his student, Plato, was banging his wife.

It seems to be one in this thread and the other one in another thread.

Something wrong with my browser or you using two display pics?

(my one and only sick joke)

rppearso walked into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm
he pointed to the bed and said darlin this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache
his wife said I think you will fnd that it is a sheep not a pig
to which Joe said I think that you will find that I was not talking to you!

this one you can blame on a truck driver named trouble (me)

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Coachman,

That woulda been 10 times funnier if you replaced "Joe" with rppearso.

>>This happened on a flight bound for New Orleans.
>>
>>Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
>>
>>The guy was an emotional wreck, sweating, pale, hands shaking and
>>moaning in fear.
>>
>>'What's the matter?' Jack asked.
>>
>>"I've been transferred to New Orleans , there's crazy people there.
>>
>>
>>Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as
>>bad as the media says.
>>
>>It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
>>
>>The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've
>>been worried to death.
>>
>>But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.
>>What do you do for a living?"
>>
>>.
>>
>>"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one
of my favorite toys.

Be careful of the tea you drink and who brings it to you...

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom
came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can
reach to get water is the toilet?'

Visiting Grandpa

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

As I recall this is the same guy whose last word were......"I DRANK WHAT?"





Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.



In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"



"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."



"Test of Three?"



"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"



"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."



"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"



"No, on the contrary..."



"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"



The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.



Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"



"No, not really..."



"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"



The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.



This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that his student, Plato, was banging his wife.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...


The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 21 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that Doc?'


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'



'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.


Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all

mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered:
"Many years ago there were monkeys,and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible
that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we
developed from monkeys?"

The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the
origin of my side of the family,
And your father told you about his side."