When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, “Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.”

Sully is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

Sully's wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually Sully's tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But Sully's wife stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

One morning while making breakfast, rppearso walked up to his wife, pinched her on her butt, and said, “You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle. ”

This statement disgusted his wife, but she decided to keep quiet.

The next morning rppearso woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra. ”

She was so appalled that she couldn’t keep silent, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package with a tight grip. She smiled and said, “You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother. ”

That last one was brilliant!

rppearso tells his doctor he’s unable to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.”

“In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor.

“OK. Now give me a medical term, so I can tell my wife.”

When Tom and Grace first got married, Tom said,“I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise to never look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage, Grace never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her. She lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they went out for a special dinner. After dinner Grace could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed: “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed; however, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know: Why do you keep the cans in the box?”

Tom thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Grace was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen, and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Grace asked Tom, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Tom answered, “Well, whenever the box was filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

The Gunny comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, The Gunny says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The Gunny sighs and says, “It’s started…”

The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.”

“Well, here,” the limo driver says, “Take the wheel, Your Holiness!”

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone real important and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?”

“I don’t know,” the officer responds, “but the Pope’s his chauffer!”

Wow, I just stumbled on this during class (yes I am not paying attention) and have been chuckling for the last 20 min, great stuff all.

just don't read some of these out aloud in class when the instructor asks you whats so funny....let me know if you need some teacher jokes..

A woman comes home and tells her husband,"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:

" I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache."

It worked! The headaches are all gone!"

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes grabs his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back"

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:

"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
"She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Monday.

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big f---ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Dumb ass.

GLOBAL WARMING UPDATE:

"President Bush has a plan. He says that if we need to, we can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius"

"Barbra Streisand told Diane Sawyer that we're in a global warming crisis, and we can expect more and more intense storms, droughts and dust bowls. But before they act, weather experts say they're still waiting to hear from Celine Dion." --Jay Leno

One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, and before he could open the door, she said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

The man says, “Well, give me some examples.”

The lady explains, “Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

If a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn’t for me either.”

Then she said, “How do you unlock your door?”

The man answered, “Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock…”