Brenda Joan the backseat beauty of Beecher city? The Honey suckle of 3rd ave.?

The original 'twister sisters'?
And I said 'well hello Mary Lou...(goodby parts...)'

HarryP: Do you like parties?
Brenda Joan: Yes, why?
HarryP: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

(Big Mistake!)

'Brenda Joan' says to the psychiatrist,

"I think I might be a nymphomaniac."

He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."

She says, "How much for all night?"


http://www.ci.flint.mi.us/law/VAP.asp

Parent Definitions

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".




(Uncle 'Bubba' babysits again)

This Year's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Homer & Darlene A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just coulmdn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their 'nooner': it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. 'Homer,' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.'
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. 'What's wrong?' asked the Doc.
'Didn't my idea work?'
'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.' 'Good, Homer.
So what's the problem?' asked the Doc.
'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started'

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant
Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955 !! "

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, " Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not ma'am , it's only 2230 now

"Some sad news today for Barack Obama. Did you hear about this? Apparently, he's been endorsed by former candidate, John Kerry. Just when things are going so well." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton, the big winner up there in New Hampshire. Despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" --Jay Leno

"And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent five and a half years in prison then went into politics. Usually it's the other way around." --Jay Leno

"Not such good news for John Edwards. He came in third. Third. Proving, yes, there are two Americas and neither one is voting for him." --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he's very upset." --Jimmy Kimmel

For all of you who
frequent restaurants and
understand the need for the service to
be
faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on
how
consultants can make a difference to an organization.


Last week, we took some friends out to a new
restaurant and
noticed that the waiter who took
our order carried a spoon
in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When
another waiter
brought our water, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his
shirt pocket. Then I looked around and
saw
that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup
I
asked , "Why the spoon?"

"Well, he
explained, "the restaurant's owners
hired Andersen
Consulting to revamp all our processes.
After several months of
analysis, they concluded that
the spoon was the most
frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency
of approximately 3 spoons
per table per hour. If our
personnel are better prepared,
we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and
save 15 man-hours per
shift."

As luck would have it, I
dropped my
spoon and he was able
to replace it with his
spare.


"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen,
instead of making an extra trip to get it right
now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
string
hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
around, I noticed
that all the waiters had the same string hanging
from their
flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
waiter,
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that
string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!"
Then he lowered his
voice. "Not everyone is so
observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also
found
out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying
this
string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out
without
touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,


shortening the timespent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I
asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others,


but I use the
spoon."

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example the trade name is Tylenol and the generic is Acetaminophen Advil is also Ibuprophen.

the drug administration is looking for a generic name for Viagra.. so far the suggestions are: Mycoxafloppin, Mycoxa failin, Mydixadrupin, Dixafix and, of course, Ibepokin.

Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage for use as a mixer.. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call it a 'soft drink ' and it gives a new meaning to cocktails, highballs and a good stiff drink.. Pepsi will sell the new drink under the brand name of " Mount & Do '..

don't laff.....theres a lot of truth in this last post!

I'd been sleeping poorly from jet-lag and had been told to try 'Melatonin' to help with sleep.

But one night I confused the melatonin with my viagra and took the viagra instead.

I was up all night...

Here are some Funny George Carlin jokes and quotations:





Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?



Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?



How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?



Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?



What was the best thing before sliced bread?



One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.



Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?



Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?



How is it possible to have a civil war?



If God dropped acid, would he see people?



If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?



If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?



If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?



Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?



Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?



Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?



Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?



Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?



If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?



Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.



I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.



I’m in shape. Round is a shape.



I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.



Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?



I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.



Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?



Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?



You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.



I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.



One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.

This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

Best friend

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch.

As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” Rocketeer brags, “and this morning she couldn’t stop telling me how much she adored me.”

“Last night I made love to my wife six times,” Patoloco replies,” and today she said she could never love another man.”

The Gunny remains silent, and Rocketeer smugly asks, “How many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” says The Gunny.

“Only once?” Patoloco snorts arrogantly. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“‘Don’t stop.’”