Was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.



They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Perhaps this should have been posted in the 'Politics' thread...

quote:

Best Thing About Iowa

What is the best thing coming out of Iowa?
Interstate 35!

M.A.R.I.N.E.

M: My
A: Ass
R: Rides
I: In
N: Navy
E: Equipment

or

M: Muscles
A: Are
R: Required
I: Intelligence
N: Not
E: Essential

> Hello and thank you for calling The Looney Bin.
>
>
> Please select from the following options menu:
>
> If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
>
> If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press
> 2 for you.
>
> If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5
> and 6.
>
> If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what
> you want, stay on the line so we can trace your
> call.
>
> If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
> forwarded to the Mother Ship.
>
> If you are schizophrenic , listen carefully and a
> little voice will tell you which number to press.
>
> If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
> number you press, nothing will make you happy
> anyway.
>
> If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
>
> If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the
> beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please
> wait for the beep.
>
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you
> have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
> short-term memory loss, press 9.
>
> If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our
> operators are too busy to talk with you.
>
> If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up,
> turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be
> crazy forever.
>
> If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll
> just mess it up.
>
> This coming week is National Mental Health Care
> week. You can do your part by remembering to contact
> at least one unstable person to show you care.
>
> Well, my job is done...your turn.

An elderly
gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
hear again.'

The
gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around
and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Two elderly
gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?'

Slim says,
'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like
a new born baby!?'

'Yep. No hair,
no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly
couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives
left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking,
and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was
really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other
man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first
man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower
you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has
thorns.'

'Do you
mean a rose?'

'Yes,
that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and
yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital
regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However,
while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted
he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a
chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't
know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her
hospital gown.'

Couple in
their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a
checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that
night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want
anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of
ice cream ?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you
think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can
remember it.'
'Well, I'd
like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's
not to forget it?'
He says,
'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also
like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she
asks.
Irritated,
he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he
toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, t
he old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She
stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's
my toast?'
A senior
citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear
you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know
her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman,
is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a
good cook?'
'Naw, she
can't cook too well.'
'Does she
have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor
as a church mouse.'
'Well, then,
is she good in bed?'
'I don't
know.'
'Why in
the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she
can still drive!'


Three old
guys are out walking.

First
one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one
says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one
says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'




A man was
telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four
thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'



'Really,'
answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'



'Twelve
thirty.'



Morris, an 82
year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.



A few days
later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'



Morris replied,
'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''



The doctor
said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . !



A little
old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered
a banana split.



The
waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'



'No,' he
replied, 'Arthritis.'

I'm just gonna post the link. There's some good ones here:

http://christmasjokes.wordpress.com/

Merry Christmas All!

Christmas Present


It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.

Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES>>>> A family was at the dinner table. The son asked his father, "Dad, how >> many>> kinds of boobs are there?">>>> The father, surprised, said, "Well, son, there are three kinds of >> breasts.>> In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her>> 30's to 40's, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After >> 50,>> they're like onions".>>>> "Onions?">>>> "Yes, you see them and they make you cry.">>>> This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how >> many>> kinds of 'willies' are there?">>>> The mother, surprised, smiled and said, "Well, dear, a man goes through>> three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and >> hard.>> In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After >> his>> 50's, it's like a Christmas tree".>>>> "A Christmas tree?">>>> "Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Swedish Character:

At a wedding party in Stockholm, the inebriated groom stumbles into a bedroom and finds his
bride getting screwed by the best man. He laughs uproariously and calls all his friends over to the
room. They tell him he's drunk. "You think I'm drunk?" he yells. "Take a look at Sven! He's so
drunk, he thinks has me!"

WASHINGTON , DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans with No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer (D) CA. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D) CA and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) NV pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans with No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled--banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan due to her lack of any discernible job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy (D) MA: "As a Senator with No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

What a Country!

quote:

lug-nut twister

I think I dated her... 'once'.

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Buying Stamps for Hanukkah

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman replies, "Oh my. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

Weatherman, I am from Flint, Michigan and I am sure that I dated her or her sister Brenda Joan.

A virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."