Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.


A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.


Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
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Bad start to a morning......
On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I
knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other
car, and he was a dwarf, poor bastard.

He looked at his dented car
and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...

I like blogs:

they provide their frustrated creator with the delusional outlet of being a published author..sort of like how the prison warden lets the psychotic killer scribble ' poetry' on the cell walls so he doesn't beat his cell mate to death with the toilet seat.

There was a flood in a village.

One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"

The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"

"No" replied the man. God will save me!

The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.

A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."

No, God will save me!" he said

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the
little girl across
the street. The father, being modern and
well-schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand.


"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out
completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one
week in my room and the
next in hers. It's right across the street,
so I can run home if I get
scared of the dark."

"How about
transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both
have our tricycles," the little boy answered.

The boy had an
answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in
exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married,
you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about
that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies.
Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to
step on
it!"

Patty is visiting her father Ralph at the nursing home. ’I’ve been sleeping really well these past few weeks,’ Ralph says. ’Why?’ Patty asks. ‘Have the nurses been giving you something to help you sleep?’ ’Yes,’ Ralph says. ‘Every night I’m given an glass of warm milk and viagra.’ ’Why are they giving you viagra?’ she asks. ’I don’t know,’ Ralph says.

Patty finds a nurse down the hall and asks to know more about their sleeping aids. ’The warm milk helps him sleep,’ the nurse says. ’But why the viagra?’ Patty asks. ’Oh,’ the nurse says. ‘That just keeps him from rolling out of bed.



An oldie buit still funny

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

Two Nuns and a Vampire

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.

"Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun.

"Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers the second nun.

No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield.

"Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even more scared.

"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says the second nun.

No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's starting to crack.

"NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun.

The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she yells, triumphantly.

The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Get off the ****ing car, you asshole!!"

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor
of the church was looking over the crèche when he noticed that the baby
Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a
little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the
little infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."

"And why did you take Him?"

The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the
little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for
Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."

An Early MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

Subject: : These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG .
Looks like a rat . Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, C ALVE S: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:

green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every

time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything

wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;

knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once

and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

quote:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Funny, I did have a batch of those. Cocker Spaniel and Husky....yeah. I called them "Husky-Cocks". Ugliest dogs I have ever seen.