The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is crying, "Okay, okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Two families move from Pakistan to America.

When they arrive, the two fathers make a bet
to see -- in a year's time --which family
has become more Americanized.

A year later they meet again.

The first man says, "My son is playing baseball.
I had breakfast at McDonalds and I'm on my way
to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"
The second man replies, "**** you, towelhead!

Subject: The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wipedher nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezedagain, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious aboutthe shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yetagain. As before she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shakingeven more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your noseand then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

So he asks the biker his name. "Fred," he replies.


"Fred what?" the officer asks.


"Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks

he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead

of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.


The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"


The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling.

I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.

So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I
realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical, school,

internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.


After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree,

so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.


Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant

and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.


Well the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.


Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS

because of the VD, so they took away my MD

leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.


Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."


The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

> The Blonde states: I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure > out how to get
> Started."
> > Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
> > The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
> > Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
> > She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
> The table.
> > He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
> Her and says,
> > "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
> Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
> > He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
> Nice cup of tea, and then ....." he said with a deep sigh,
> > > "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

these 'gems' from myb 6 year old grandson..
he was playing with a rubber spitfire glider and chucked it in my direction. damned if it didn't whack me right in the nose. I looked at him with that mean grandpa look and he replied.
" What? It's not my fault. I'm not conversant in aerodynamics. " kids these days scare me..


from the same lad.. I was sitting on the back porch typing up some stuff on a portable typwriter [ yeah, I still have one - I can run stuff up, scan the pages later and then edit the scribbles on the 'puter at my leisure ]..anyway -- kid watches as I type and the paper advances with the words neatly printed on the page.

" Kule, Grandpa!.. It's got a built in printer! "

Rocketeer went to a dentist one day for a regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist advised Rocketeer of the situation who agreed to the procedure.

When the dentist went to give Rocketeer an injection he said "don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle. Rocketeer went on to explain that he had two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth. To the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince.

The dentist, quite astonished remarked " that was amazing, the two recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must have been something special, would you care to tell me about them".

Rocketeer said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!". The dentist exclaimed "oh my god, that must have been excruciating but what was the second experience". Rocketeer replied "when I ran out of chain"

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter``s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn`t even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter``s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn`t even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter``s room last week and you``ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn`t even know that she had a penis!"
-----------------------------------------

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ``Mommy, I have to piss.``

The mother said, ``Son don`t say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, `whisper` because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, ``Daddy I have to whisper.``

The father said, ``OK. Here, whisper in my ear.``

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!

quote:

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

I took my younger brother out for a night on the town when he turned 18 (he was still living at home with the folks at the time). We came back a little intoxicated. I got him to the front door and told him "just tell mom and dad you had a really good time, but you're kinda tired and want to go straight to bed."

He opens the door a screams at my parents "MOM, DAD...I'M BRUNGUTLE AND FEDSTAFLING. WE WENT ALMOST BREAD-GREATFUL-NESS. PEANUTS. 'NIGHT." And stumbles upstairs. I smiled and quietly shut the door and hurried to the car.

A classic from WW I: true story, too.

from the diary of one Capt. Stewart..In typical military mindthink, in the midst of war, reports and inventory must be made.. He recalls being asked to account for the number of pairs of socks his company had.. He reported 141 and one half pairs.

nasty memo comes back from HQ.
Explain at once how you come to de deficient by one sock.

His response:

Man lost leg.

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband`s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow`s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I`ve arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you`re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I`ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!