You naughty thing you! I have always loved that joke (in its many forms)!

its not really a joke but a while back i went to mcdonalds and asked for a half-dozen chicken nuggets and the girl said no and told me you can only get them in 4, 6, or 10

Yep, had an MP on the phone, confirming a phone number she had given I said "that was 3-6-4-9?"
She says, "No, no, it's thirty-six, forty-nine."

"Uhm.....OK, thank you."

some people eh?

Ladies talking in Heaven...........

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Older Folks

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing, make yourself a cocktail and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so GLAD I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

Have a great day!

An elderly gentleman... (ok it's Rocketeer)
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. Rocketeer went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed Rocketeer to hear 100%

Rocketeer went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

Rocketeer replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Six Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

New Rules:

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the basketball team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half- soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that--It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule : If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other show.

Mad

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:

1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

Why Men are never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, tux rental-$100 . People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Y our belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

slow day at the office, Gunny?

A women was getting dressed fro an important meeting and was checking out her favourite' power suit '..She was late and didn't have time to iron it, but was concerned that iot looked a bit rumpled.. She put it on and turned to her husband..

" Dear can you see the wrinkles?"
" Nah, the clothes hide 'em "

quote:

Originally posted by HarryP:
You naughty thing you! I have always loved that joke (in its many forms)!

Funny when I first posted it, my fella goes hey meet this guy here my friend. I go gday mate, he goes Howdy ma'am I am from Texa's.....

I really really had to stop myself