Guns! Thanks for thinkin of me with this! I have shared with my team and they are currently using it in this manner. I'll let you know how long it takes to mark all of them off!

My little boy was in his room playing with himself, when I walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your hea=
rt...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies.......
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. S=
econds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setti=
ng do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ...'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

---------------------------------------------- -------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of=20=
the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed t=
he lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience=20=
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death=
.
AMEN


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and call=
ing your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

>> Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
>> to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
>>
>> In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
>> breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his
>> Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'.
>>
>> Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
>> His Mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to
>> school.'
>>
>> Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up
>> yet?' She replies, 'No.'
>>
>> Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
>> His Mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch And go
>> back to school.'
>>
>> After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up
>> yet?' His Mom says, 'No.'
>>
>> He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
>> His Mom replies, 'Ok, do tell me what y ou think?'
>>
>> He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I
>> gave him my airplane glue.'

Subject: Fw: Business 101


Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really
cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes
the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all nickels!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

I went to the Air and Space Museum.. what a ripoff.. there was nothing inside..

boom tish [ think about it reppearso.. ]

Uh......Oh wait......I GET IT!

bump due to D.M.

A fellow looking for work ends up at a circus.. The manager says he has only one opening as an assistant lion tamer and says he'll show the chap some of what it entails.

they go over to the lion cage and as they get there the lion tamer enters.. She is a stunningly beautiful blonde with big boobs squeezed into a tight spandex top and shoehorned into sparkling hot pants. She snaps her whip and the lion comes over and rolls over on its back and then proceeds to lick her boots before she snaps her whip again and the lion goes into a corner.

The manager turns to the job applicant and says. " Think you can do that? "
The guy nods.. " Sure, just get the lion out of there first. "

WIFE: "What would you do if I die? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -

HUSBAND: "Shit."

[+Elkrider] Goat, my name's on the JW blacklist for well over 10 years now.
[+Elkrider] Almost 15, I think.
[+Elkrider] One day they rang at my door. Two women, one about 50 and ugly, the other one around 20 and very pleasant to look at.
[+Elkrider] When they started to talk, I interrupted and said the following, immortal words....
[+Elkrider] "Hold a minute. Before we keep talking, the young one will come in and give me a blowjob. If it's good, we can talk. Agreed?"
[+Elkrider] Perfect win-win situation.
[+Elkrider] Either they piss off or I get a blowjob.

<the__man> does anyone know if any brothel is open at this hour? i need some action right away

<+Octane> the__man: you've been blessed with two hands and ten fingers. go figure it out.

----------

TaXxXi: Umm...someone in our apartment complex wrote "U Suck Dick" in gold spraypaint on someone's brand new PT Cruiser.
weird_aunt_martha: yeah PT cruisers are THAT ugly
TaXxXi: I feel bad because I kinda laughed.

--------------

<dustin> you ever masturbated on a washer when it was on spin cycle ?
<dustin> it's the best
<Sh3lby> if u say so
<dustin> just make sure it's not a public washing place
<dustin> they don't take kindly to things like that

------------------

<Howard> My wife keeps getting sales calls on her cell.
<Howard> I picked it up this afternoon and told the salesperson "I need two things from you."
<Howard> "First, I need you to put me on the no-call list."
<Howard> "Second, I need your credit card number so I can charge you for calling me on this cell phone."
<Howard> They fell all over themselves apologizing and hung up.

A Texan With Plenty To Shout About
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"