If carrots are so good for your eyesight, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the side of the highway?

My problem is I belong to so many anonymous groups, everybody knows who I am.

My wife has tons of credit cards. She has so many magnetic strips in her wallet, her purse always points north.

You know that tattoo of barbed wire you got when you were 18?, By the time your 80, it's a picket fence.

I am not afraid of death. I just don't wnat ot be there when it happens.

The real problem lies with GOD. He's the one that gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time!

The farmer takes a shortcut though his orchard to a nearby pond, carrying a bucket to bring back some fruit. Oncehe arrives at the pond he seeing two girls skinny-dipping. They see him and immediately drop below the water. "We're not coming out till you leave!" shouts one of the girls. "I didn't come to watch you swim naked'" said the farmer, holding up the bucket. " I'm just here to feed the gators."

Seig Heil, Mein Furrier:

www.Catsthatlooklikehitler.com

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed,and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed at this sequence.

During the fifth encounter, she decides to try it herself. So, when they are done, she jumps up, runs to the window, takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed.....and....finds four other Chinese men!

NOW we know where the Chinese have been!

geez o pete....todays news reads like a comedy script from Jay Leno's Tonight Show:

Woman sets fire to husbands pecker

Brit dwarf gets pecker stuck in vacume cleaner hose on stage

Atlanta banning baggy pants

Moose burps are the root cause for Global Warming

15 die eating puffer fish (Eating the fish can cause paralysis, vomiting, heart failure and death) It was being sold as salmon!

OK. This baby seal walks into a club....

President looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"

"Just go ahead and pay it."

New York Post
September 1, 2007

Marine Humor

By Ralph Peters

BEHIND their no-non sense personas and parade-ground posture, the Marines have the wickedest sense of humor of any of our services. It's a hoot to be around them.

That take-no-prisoners humor was on display in the Fallujah area of operations. As I walked into a headquarters shack, a poster on the front door made me do a cartoon double-take. To appreciate the beauty of it, you just have to understand one military term, "OPSEC," or operations security - the protection of any tidbit of information that might be of value to an enemy.

On the poster, a frightened kitten bounds across a field of wildflowers straight toward the viewer, as if about to leap into your arms for protection. Fanged gingerbread monsters are in hot pursuit. The main caption:

"Every time you break OPSEC, God kills a kitten."

At the bottom, flanked by twin photos of beseeching kittens, the poster begged: "Please, think of the kittens."

I laughed out loud, then laughed again at the audacity of it. My own service, the Army, would've worried about offending religious organizations. The Navy would've failed to see what kittens have to do with aircraft carriers.

And the Air Force would've objected that its chief of staff had never been personally involved in the execution of kittens, that the scandal was all the contractor's fault.

God bless 'em, the Corps realized that if it made young Marines laugh - memorably - they'd be more apt to remember the message.

In the Outpost Delta office of Capt. Quintin Jones, the commander of Lima Company, 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marines, there's a grab-your-attention poster featuring a lineup of players in football gear. The caption runs: "Ever wonder why the Marines don't have a football team like the Army, Navy or Air Force?

"We're here to protect a country, not a quarterback."

And, at the bottom, beside a charging warrior: "The Marines. The few, the proud."

Shameless self-promotion? You bet. And brilliant.

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Chesty Puller
During a battle an ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting with the Marines, called legendary Marine (then Colonel) Chesty Puller to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

Puller asked for another count and got the same answer: "Many, many Chinese!"

"#*#&*!#%!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes, sir?"
"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"Colonel, we got a whole s**tload of Chinese up here!"

"Thank God!" exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count!"

From my grandson:

what do you call a bear who spends part of the year in the Arctic and part of the year in Antarctica?

Bi-Polar

Q) Why does car insurance cost more for men?

A) 'Coz women don't get blowjobs while driving!

Might have been posted before, but what the hell---

http://humour.200ok.com.au/rules-of-conflict-american-military-style.html

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Gunny, thought you'd enjoy this.....