SUNDAY MORNING SEX
>
>I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
>
>Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,=20
>Katie went
>straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old=20
>grandmother and
>comfort her.
>
>When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother=20
>replied,
>
>"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
>
>Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years=20
>old
>having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
>
>"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our=20
>advanced
>age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells=20
>would start
>to ring.
>
>It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
>
>Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
>
>She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive=20
>if the
>ice cream truck hadn't come along

Rocketeer's words to the neophytes..

When in a bar and one spies an especially attractive young woman, do not approach and say:

" Didn't I see you naked on the Internet last night? "

at least this is what the doctor told me as he was picking glass fragments from my scalp at the hospital emergency clinic.

Geographical Facts of the Sexes

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick

Who Said That?

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let`s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said `Give me Liberty, or give me Death?`"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said `Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth`"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "**** the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I`m gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I`ll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we`re ****ed."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"

Kerry Drowns?

One day John Kerry was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.
Kerry was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved a Senator and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it."

The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!" "I`ll take you there myself in my personal jet!" exclaims Kerry.

The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan`s." "I`ll buy them for you myself," says Kerry.

"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.

Kerry looks at the boy and says, "But, son, you don`t look like you are handicapped to me."

The boy replies, "I`m going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

Another Hanio John story
Two Vietnam Veterans were out in a boat one of them was helping John Kerry in the boat
a passer by saw this and ask one of the Veterans why they were saveing that lying SOB
and the reply was who is trying to save him we are trolling for Shark.

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've gotten in the e-mail."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The
French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired"
She
snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American
should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans
often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold
the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong
side
of the road. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch
out the window!

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Hank, Loyde, and Ralph were working out on a construction site when Hank slipped and fell and died. Loyde and Ralph realized that someone had to go tell Hanks wife.
"Well," Loyde said, "Ralph, your the considerate one, so you should go tell her."
So Ralph leaves, and returns later with a 24 pack of beer.
"Where`d you get the beer?" Loyde asks.
"Hank`s wife gave it to me." replies Ralph.
"You mean you told her that her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?" says Loyde in disbeleif!
"Yup, I went up to the door and I said `You must be Hank`s widow.` She said `No, I believe your mistaken.` So I said, `Ya wanna bet a case of beer on that?`"

Subject: Drinking with a Redneck Girl...


A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the
air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq
we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the
same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar,and calling
for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we
don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

Hey Coachman you should send this to Grechen Wilson she just might sing a song about rideing in a Hummer.

Two Germans are having a vacation on England. In London they walk into a bar...

German #1: We want two Sherry please.
Barman: Dry?
German #2: Nein, zwei.

A Russian pilot is shot down in a spy plane over Guam.

He is captured by the US Marines and locked up for interrogation.

US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Tu-95 bombers!"

Russian pilot: "I don't know"

He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again...

US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Tu-95 bombers!"

Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!"

He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia.

In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them: "Comrades, learn the
Tu-95 bombers plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"

Hafa Adia Tovarich!

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red.


One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.


The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"


The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."


Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.


One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"


"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."