Subject: Three Blonds

Easter in Canada..eh!

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.He
told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they
have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said,
"Noooooo,"
and
he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished
her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.
Peter said,"So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His
disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

Ciao Jack

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY


There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:



30% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......



The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

> >*An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a >nursing
home.
>
> One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My
Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
>
> Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
>
> The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein,"
she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pajamas."
>
> "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died."
&g t;
> >"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
>
> (You gotta love this!)
>
> Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."*

> >> COWBOY BOOTS An elderly
> >>couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas . Ray had always wanted
a
> >>pair of authentic Cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys
them,
> >>and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to
> >>his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over,
> >>"Nope."
> >>
> >>Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
> >>into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he
> >>asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
> >>
> >>Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's so different? It's hanging down
> >>today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
> >>tomorrow."
> >>
> >>Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S
> >>HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!
> >>
> >>To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray...... Shoulda bought
a
> >>hat."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Coachman,

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Never Argue with a Woman...


One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.


Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.


She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.


Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.


"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."


"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.


"I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.


"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.


"That's true, but you have all the equipment.


"For all I know you could start at any moment."


"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch

>>1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in

>>the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's

>>dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that

>>there

>>were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

>>

>>

>>

>> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

>>

>>

>>

>>2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly

>>

>>and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I

>>

>>instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

>>

>>

>>

>> Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

>>

>>

>>

>>3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that

>>

>>her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five

>>minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had

>>died of a "massive internal fart."

>>

>>

>>

>> Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

>>

>>cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with

>>one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told

>>me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places

>>to

>>put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I

>>wouldn't

>>see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the

>>instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

>>

>>

>>

>> Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How

>>

>>long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she

>>answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

>>

>>

>>

>> Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this

>>

>>morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem

>>to

>>get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the

>>

>>jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

>>

>>

>>

>> Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

>>

>>

>>

>>7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with

>>purple

>>hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of

>>

>>tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined

>>hat the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate

>>surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the

>>staff

>>noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a

>>tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed,

>>the

>>surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry,

>>had to mow the lawn."

>>

>>

>>

>> Submitted by RN, no name

>>

>>

>>

>> AND FINALLY!!!............

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite

>>

>>embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my

>>

>>embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The

>>middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out

>>laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and

>>sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No

>>doctor,

>>but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

>>

>>

>>

>> Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

Great News

Keep Walking!

"A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."


Keep up the good work

Subject: Bad Day
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now,
just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that
I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a
window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to
open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time
the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone
was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing
with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. ....And believe me
mister, as God is my witness, all I did was answer her question

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a
few days. He'd been playing outside with the other
kids for a while when he came into the house and
asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two
people sleep in the same room and one is on top of
the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to
just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual
intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back
outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said
angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual
intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you

funny stick


Judge in Alabama Forces Shoplifters to Wear 'I Am a Thief' Sign Outside Store


ATTALLA, Ala. (AP) -- Shoppers entering the Wal-Mart Supercenter here got a reminder not to try anything funny: Two shoplifters stood outside with signs reading "I am a thief, I stole from Wal-Mart."
Attalla City Judge Kenneth Robertson Jr. ordered the two people to wear the signs for four hours each during two successive Saturdays.

"The only comments we've heard so far have been positive," said store manager Neil Hawkins. "Most of them thought it was a good thing."

One of the shoplifters, Lisa King Fithian, 46, wore the sign from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. to avoid a 60-day jail sentence. Another convicted shoplifter was at the store from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m.

Fithian maintained her innocence. She said her conviction was based on a misunderstanding: She said she was taking a $7 item to the service desk because it would not scan.

Outside the store, she said people who saw her wearing the sandwich board commented that the punishment was "cruel."

Hawkins noted how embarrassing it would be for the public to see someone who got caught shoplifting. "Maybe they'll think twice about doing it," he said.


I know this is the joke forum but this is some funny s**t.

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you
first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually
have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both
say "screw you."


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone


And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

A soldier's three fears

Chelsea Clinton was talking to a combat decorated soldier.
She asked him what three things he feared most in this world.

His answer is a classic:

"Osama, Obama, and Yo Mama."