A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot
the dog."

In 1986 Mkele Mbembe was hiking in the bush in Kenya. he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant was obviously in some distress, so Mbembe approached cautiously. He got down on one knee and carefully inspected the elephant's foot. Imbedded deeply in the foot was a piece of tree branch, a huge sliver. As carefully and and gently as he could, Mbembe , working with his hunting knife, extracted the wood. The elephant slowly put his foot down and then turned to face the man. After staring at him for many seconds, the beast slowly turned and walked off into the jungle.

Twnety years later, Mbembe was now living in Chicago and was taking his son to the zoo. as they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and stared at him, then walked slowly toward him to stare at him through the bars. As Mbembe looked at the elephant , it raised its foot and trumpeted, it repeated this gesture a few times, and Mbembe, astounded wondered if this was the same elephant he had helped many years ago..soummoning his courage, he climbed over the railing and slowly walked toward the huge beast. The elephant returned his gaze, trumpeted again and raised his foot. Mbembe was astounded.. the elephant wrapped his trunk around Mbembe's legs and then lifted him up and smashed him against the railing repeatedly, killing him..

probably wasn't the same elephant, then...

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.
In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that
there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the
screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never
made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in
Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next
day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come.
He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the
following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
he man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night
while he slept, a purple frog floated in an open window, bearing in its
mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the
screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw lying on the
pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel and there was no
screw there!


Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: don't screw around with things you don't understand
you could lose your ass.

STUCK IN THE ELEVATOR


Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.


While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''


The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "


The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "


The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''


They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, ****, Etc.''

Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
out

of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back

into the dating world.

Finally, Jane says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her

daughter

immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to

meet."

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after

dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the

mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as does he. There she stands
nude

except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday

suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My

breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I
am

stil l in mourning."

the following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the

black panties on and he is in his birthday suit... except that he has a

black condom over his erection.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Just wrong....but kinda funny.

http://www.stressbuster1.com/pics/catholicgirls.html

Saw this in the Sunday paper....

Q) What do you call someone who steals Viagra?

A) A hardened criminal.

Marine Senior Sex


On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"



He looked her up and down and said;



"Mission Accomplished"

Moe and Flo, both well into their 80,s go to a sex therapists office.

The doctor asks, What can I do for you?

Moe says, Will you watch us have sex ?

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, Theres absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex...

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $ 50 and says goodbye...

The next week , however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees..

This happened several weeks in a row.. The couple makes an appointment,, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves..

Finally after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, Im sorry, but I have to ask,, just what are you trying to find out??

Moe says, We,re not trying to find out anything.
Shes married, and we cant go to her house

Im married and we cant go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $ 139..

We do it here for $50. and I get $43 back from Medicare..

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and
populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow
and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice
Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with
that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it,
add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the
figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6
to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And
Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named
it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might
lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so
Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed
and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced
the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories
and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied,
"Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.


Then Satan created HMOs.

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to Titsburg."

He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

Mrs. Ward, please."

Speaking."

Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husbands."

That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

> > A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
>note
>for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
> > When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
>thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to
>clarify the
>point.
> >
> > The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
>to
>leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
> >
> > The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons I'm going to fill my bathtub up
>with
>milk and take a milk bath."
> >
> > The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
> >
> > The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Lttle Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:&n bsp; He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: And did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


******************************************************************************************** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


***********************************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.. ."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."



************************************************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "Tha t he d id, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


*********************************************************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"