ADVICE


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Some people are like Slinkies. They are not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you want to
Hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are
blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"


The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times

New Iraqi Town Names
New Towns in Iraqi Now that the B-1's, B-2's, B-52's, TLAMs, F-14's, F-15's, F-16's, F/A-18's, Tornados, Harriers, F-117's, and field artillery have reorganized Iraq's landscape, our intelligence has discovered they have renamed some of their towns, no doubt in order to confuse us. These new names include:

Wherz-Myroof
Mykamel-Izded
OKraph-Dissizbad
Waddi-El-Izgowinon
Pleez-Ztopdibomin
Kizz-Yerbuht-Goodbi
Ikantstan-Disnomore
Wha-Tahel-Wazi-Tinkin
Myturbin-Izburnin

>>CURTAIN RODS
>>
>>He spent the first day packing his belongings into boxes, crates and
>>suitcases.
>>
>>On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
>>
>>On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
>>room table, put on some soft background music, and feasted
>>on
>>a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
>>
>>When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a
>>few
>>half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain
>>rods.
>>
>>He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>>
>>When the wife returned with her new boyfriend, all was bliss for the
>>first few days.
>>
>>Then slowly, the house began to smell.
>>
>>They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
>>
>>Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
>>fresheners were hung everywhere.
>>
>>Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they
>>had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace
>>the
>>expensive wool carpeting.
>>
>>Nothing worked.
>>
>>People stopped coming over to visit.
>>
>>Repairmen refused to work in the house.
>>
>>The maid quit.
>>
>>Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
>>
>>A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
>>not
>>find a buyer for their stinky house.
>>
>>Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return
>>their calls.
>>
>>Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank, to purchase
>>a
>>new place.
>>
>>The ex-husband called his ex-wife, and asked how things were going. She
>>told
>>him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely, and said that
>>he
>>missed his old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce his divorce
>>settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
>>
>>Knowing her ex-husband had no idea how bad the smell was, she agreed on a
>>price
>>that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he
>>were
>>to sign the papers that very day.
>>
>>He agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
>>
>>A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the
>>moving company pack everything to take to their new home...... including
>>the
>>curtain rods.
>>
>>I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in n o matter who walks into the
room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list


And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

>>>Subject: The Hardware Store
>>>
>>>George was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so
>>>he sent his wife Linda to the hardware store.
>>>
>>>At the hardware store, Linda saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
>>>while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on another
>>>customer.
>>>
>>>When Carl was finished, Linda asked how much for the teapot.
>>>
>>>Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100.00!"
>>>
>>>"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Linda exclaimed.
>>>
>>>Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that George had sent her to
>>>buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
>>>
>>> From the back room Carl yelled, "Linda, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
>>>
>>>Linda replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
>>>

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord"

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe'. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

The Great Wal-Mart Greeter

As I was retrieving a shopping cart in Wal-Mart yesterday, a
particularly
unkempt, unattractive and mean spirited woman who actually reeked of
body
odor pushed me aside.

Shoving past me, the woman snarled at her kids, almost knocking another
older lady down, grabbed the first cart and swung it around, hitting an
older man working there as a Wal-Mart Greeter.

As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's stomach, in a kind and
friendly voice the Greeter said, while gesturing towards the two
children,"
Are they twins?"

Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you old fool, the brat's 9
and
the little witch is 7, are you so blind you think they look alike?"

"No," calmly replied the Greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice".

God loves those old people.

Hillary's Indian Name (True Story)

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of American Indian Nations two weeks ago in upper New York State.She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living should she become the first female President of the United States.

She refered to her career as a New York Senator how she had signed(Yes)for every Indian issue that had come to her desk for approval.Although the Senator was vague on the detailes of her plan,she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers.

At the conclusion of her speech,the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name-Walking Eagle.The proud Senator departed in her mortorcade,waving to the crowds.A news Reporter later inquired of the group of Chiefs why they gave her the name Walking Eagle and they explained .The name Walking Eagle is given to a bird that is so full of SHIT they can no longer fly.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SULLY1,

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here the senator of New York running for President and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have
you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very
quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion Of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY

3 Englishmen walked into a pub and saw an Irishman sittin’ by himself mindin’ his own. One of the Englishmen walked over and said to the Irishman "St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman looked up, said "Ok", and continued drinking, and the Englishman walked back to his buddies disappointed. The second limey said "I’ll get him riled up for sure", and walked over and said "St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!". The Irishman looked up again and said "Ok", and continued drinking. The third Englishman wanted a go, and walked over to the Irishman, and said "St. Patrick was an Englishman!", and the Irishman looked up and said "Yeah, that’s what your buddies were tellin’ me".

PT, do you have a source for the NPR thing?

THE BLIND WAL-MART CLERK

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's

birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and

goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and

reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the

counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the

sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404

reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and
it's
on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of

it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her

credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
she
is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk

could tell it was she who broke wind. Being blind,he wouldn't know that
she

was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "


The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me

it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"


He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call

is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

quote:

Originally posted by HarryP:
PT, do you have a source for the NPR thing?

No except the joke site I saw it on. Snopes, anyone?