I'm on a roll...

An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought."How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

A group of jehovah's Witnesses are killed in a bus accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates..

St. Peter peaks out the window and turns to the people in Heaven and says " Everyone, SHHHH! Pretend we're not home.Maybe They'll Go Away"

quote:

Originally posted by Rocketeer:
A group of jehovah's Witnesses are killed in a bus accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates..

St. Peter peaks out the window and turns to the people in Heaven and says " Everyone, SHHHH! Pretend we're not home.Maybe They'll Go Away"

LOL Good One!

An Irishman
An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.



An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.



Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."



"'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."



The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.



Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening -- he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.



The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."



The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Subject: Fw: Getting old...er
______________________________________________

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the
stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year
oldis sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,"
as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

_______________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am
I. Let's have a beer."

___________________________________________
WHAT A CHOICE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nu rsing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared
at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need t o know ?"

_____________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"

______________________________________________
DRIVING


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the pas senger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran
through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

___________________________________________________
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher say,
"Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the
officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by
mistake."

ROTFLMAO

What`s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
----
What`s the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn`t think he`s a lawyer.
-------
What`s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
Vultures will eat the skunk.
--------
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they`re really good people.
------------
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
---------------
How many personal injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
------------------
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I`m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That`s quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I`m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
------------------
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses` asses."
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you`d better watch what you say. You`re in horse country."

The Godfather finds out that his accountant has screwed him for ten million bucks. This accountant happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the accountant: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?".

The lawyer, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The accountant signs back: "I don`t know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn`t know what you`re talking about."

That`s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the accountants’ temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to the underling: "He`ll kill you for sure if you don`t tell him!"

The accountant signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo`s backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what`d he say?"

The lawyer replies: "He says you’re too much of a coward to pull the trigger."

"The Good, the Bad and the Ugly"
(Sorry for triple-posting, but I couldn't help myself)

Good: Your son is fianlly studying.
Bad: He is studying porno tapes.
Ugly: Your`e in them.

Good: Your daughter has a job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your employees are her clients.
WAY Ugly: Look at her shoes that you wanted lest week, but couldn`t afford!

Good: Your daughter has a boyfriend.
Bad: Your best friend.
Ugly: You just happened to meet him in the pharmacy with a box of condoms...

40 Fun things to do in an elevator
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'

2. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

3. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

4. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

5. Shave.

6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

7. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

8. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

9. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

10. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

11. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.

12. Do Tai Chi exercises.

13. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'

14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!'

15. Meow occasionally.

18. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops!'

19. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

20. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons.

21. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.

22. Leave a box between the doors.

23. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

24. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.

25. Start a sing-along.

26. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'

27. Play the harmonica.

28. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.

29. Lean against the button panel.

30. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

31. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

32. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'

33. Bring a chair along.

34. Blow spit bubbles.

35. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

36. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

37. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

38. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.

39. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger.'

40. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!

No Toilet Paper

A little Irish boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. She said, "Yes."

When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said, "Oh great, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

Subject: Re: Fwd: Wife from Hell



WIFE FROM HELL-----
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you
at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your
radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you
know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the of ficer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector
went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pul led me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the dr iver turns to his
wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to
yo u this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."

ROTFLMAO...

Can you spell "DIVORCE"???

I read this joke to my wife...
I said; "She nailed him didn't she?"

Her Comment "Well Yea..and rightly so!"