REMEMBER THIS IS A JOKE!

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State ...She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day
become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".


At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Why English Teachers Retire Early:

taken from real essays/stories submitted

1] Her face was a pefect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2] His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free

3] She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

4] She had a deep, throaty laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

5] Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

6] He spoke with the wisdom that can only ceom from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a p9inhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

7] He was tall as a six foot three inch tree.

8] The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9] The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10] McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11] From the attic came an unearthly howl. the whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.

12] Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13] Thev hailstones lept off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14] Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm travelling 55mph, and the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.

15] they lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16] John and Mary never met. They were like two hummingbirds who never met.

17] He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18] Even in his last years, Granpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.


19] Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20] the plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil, but unlike Phil, the plan just might work.

21] The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind of look you get when you haven't eaten for a while.

22] He was a lame duck. Not the metaphorical kind, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, like maybe from stepping on a landmine.

23] The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe and extended a slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24] It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

25] He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26] Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser

27] She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 legs missing.

28] It hurt the way your tongue hurts when you staple it to a wall..


3, 9 12 and 20 are my personal favourites...

ROTFLMFAO!!!

bump

LIVING WILLS

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.


Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

quote:

Originally posted by PT:
LIVING WILLS

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.


Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

ROTFLMAO

Shes got a point!

quote:

A man rides into town on Friday, stays three nights and leaves on Saturday morning. How is this possible?

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His Horse is called Friday

QUESTION: How are the movies " Titanic" and " Sixth Sense " the same?
ANSWER: Icy Dead People

!st Person: Did you hear about the fire at the Goodwill Thrift Shop? Two people next door got sick!
@nd Person: From what?
1st Person:- Secondhand Smoke..

ba da bump

quote:

Originally posted by Rocketeer:
QUESTION: How are the movies " Titanic" and " Sixth Sense " the same?
ANSWER: Icy Dead People

!st Person: Did you hear about the fire at the Goodwill Thrift Shop? Two people next door got sick!
@nd Person: From what?
1st Person:- Secondhand Smoke..

ba da bump

GEDDOUTTAHERE!

ROTFLMAO

Thats real cold man ROFLMAO

Chile
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Why is there no mental illness in Saudi Arabia?

Because they're nomads.

Bada-da-dump

Get it? No Mads. Sure. Go ahead and groan. But you're gonna tell it to someone tomorrow.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:

* A half-gallon of 2% milk
* A half carton of eggs
* A quart of orange juice
* A small head of romaine lettuce
* A 2-pound can of coffee
* And a 1-pound package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Salted!

At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.

They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."

The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."

Holy Cow

Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?

A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!