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quote:

Air Force First Sergeant Test
1. You are having lunch with your new colonel, talking about the decision paper you wrote. During the conversation, a blonde walks into the dining area and she is so stunning you draw your boss's attention to her. Having his complete attention, you give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in a motel room. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as the colonel's daughter. Your next move is:

a. Ask for her hand in marriage.
b. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
c. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and hope for the best.

2. You have been tasked to present a briefing to the General. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your authorized manpower slots by 125%. In the middle of the proposal the General leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee.
You:

a. Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
b. Ask him about his recent root canal.
c. Take a leak in his "OUT" box.

3. You are presenting a briefing to a group of 0-6s in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch reacts, creating a severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner, causing three water glasses to shatter and a colonel to pass out. What you should do next is:


a. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
b. Point out the Chief of Staff and accuse him of the offense.
c. Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

4. You are at a briefing when you suddenly are overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a NO-NO, you:


a. Pretend to wave to someone across the room, and with one fluid motion, bury your finger into your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
b. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose-picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
c. Drop your notes on the floor, and when you bend over to pick them up, blow your nose on your sock.

5. You have just spent the evening with an IG inspector who kept you at the club drinking until lights out. You get home just in time to change and go to work. You stagger into the men's room and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you are washing up at the sink, you boss walks in, blows cigar smoke in your face and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:


a. Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent at the front of his Class A uniform.
b. Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the hope he'll never recognize your green face.
c. Grasp his hand and pump it until he pees in his pants.

GLASS OF MILK



One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way
through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.



He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his
nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.



Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water! . She thought he looked
hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then
asked, How much do I owe you?"



You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to
accept pay for a kindness."



He said ... "Then I thank you from my heart."



As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but
his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and
quit.



Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local
doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they
called in specialists to study her rare disease.



Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name
of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.



Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.



Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at
once.



He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her
life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.



After a long struggle, the battle was won.



Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for
approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was
sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the
rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught
her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ...



"Paid in full with one glass of milk"



(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.



Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You,

God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."



There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters
comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you
love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least
you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that
what life is all about?



Now you have two choices.



1. You can send this page on and spread a positive message.



2. Or ignore it and pretend it never touched your heart.



The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which -- To
burn

Girl's night out --
>> >
>> > Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very
>> >faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
>> >The Bacardi Breeze's.
>> >
>> >Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
>>the
>> >cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would
>> >take off her panties and use them.
>> >
>> >Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and >> >did
>> >not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a >> >grave
>> >that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with
>>that.
>> >
>> >After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
>> >
>> >The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
>> >sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
>>other
>> >husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm >> >starting
>> >to suspect the worst . . . my wife came home with no panties!
>> >
>> >"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
>>stuck to her butt that said:
>> > >> >From all of us at the Fire Station: We'll never forget you.

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says:
"How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY
WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Man...that last one's scary.

WeathermanI just pass em on lol

Old Lady
Joke 1]

Funeral director approaches an elderly widow and comments that her husband had a long an fruitful life. He asks her politely how old the gentleman was." 98" she replies. He smiles and she says.. " I'm 96 " then after a moment's pause she continues " hardly worth going home is it? "

Joke 2]

elderly women is pr-arranging her funeral. The director asks if she had any special requests/last wishes.. The lady says she wants to be cremated and her ashes scattered at Wal-Mart. " Wla-Mart? Whatever for? " he asks. " That way I'll know that my daughters will visit me at least twice a week " comes the reply.

> > These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
> people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
> court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
> actually taking place.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > ________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> > WITNESS: July 18th.
> > ATTORNEY: What year?
> > WITNESS: Every year.
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> > ________________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh....
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
> people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
> autopsy on him!
> > ____________________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > WITNESS: Huh?
> > ____________________________________________
> >
> > And the best for last
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing law.

Einstein

Dec 18 was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

QUESTION: How do you defend yourself against an attack by circus performers?

ANSWER: Go for the Juggler...

Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know
Jack Schitt!"

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner
of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt,
Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip
Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the

Schitt-Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,Byrd,and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

His and Her Diaries

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

quote:

USS Clinton

USS Clinton

Perhaps the first ship of the next class of carriers will be the USS Bill Clinton. It will boast the ability to steer a course straight down the middle, but will have a tendency to veer to the left or toward large sums of money. It will be fueled by an unending supply of testosterone, which perpetually replenishes itself. Its presence will always be marked by chaos and destruction, but there will never be enough evidence to prove that it was really there. Maintenance of this class will be a nightmare as items will constantly disappear from the aircraft and wardroom furniture will mysteriously vanish.


Its sister ship, the USS Hillary Rodham, will easily steer to the left or to the right, if you know what I mean. Keeping decklogs on this ship will be difficult, as there will be no knowledge of having been anywhere or having done anything. This ship will also run on testosterone but will require a much higher octane. This ship will be characterized by impulses to suddenly change homeports.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand
and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him
several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."