ne Nissan Pathfinder Commercial

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

"Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

Funny lil shooting games, enjoy



www.boneland.com

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong.

What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you
how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
Yes, I did." he replied.
My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

Oh...she got fired too."

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith . . . He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly after , the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd . . . did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Merry Christmas, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-er-dun!)

Daddy's Little Girl
>
>
> Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
> learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day
> is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad
> at me for giving someone a valentine?
>
> Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
> mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
>
> "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
>
> "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
>
> "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
> have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
> maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
> And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama,
> he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place
> tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
> anymore."
>
> Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
> pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
>
> "I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
> Marines could blow the hell out of him."

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. But I am puzzled by your husband's claim that he is hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

Been called a Curmudgeon from time to time [ on this site, too, I recall ]..I chalk it up to getting wiser with age, but, apparently that necessarily isn't the case, according to' experts' [ usually snotty young university researchers who managed to wheedle government grants with blatant hype and spurious intents ]..

anyway..it is not true that curmudgeons are more easily irritated [or more irritating to others] we serve a useful social function.

Curmudgeons say out loud what polite people think..we are the last defence against political correctness...

and, we're lots of fun at parties [ not that we ever get invited - grumble, mumble.. ]

okay... back to work. move along, nothing to see here...

Dan Rather, Katie Couric And a U.S. Marine Gunny

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough old U.S. Marine Gunny were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists
told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded .

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last
bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling
who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said,
"Now I can die content."
Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take
out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's
about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know
that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is
your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the
resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis
were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask
them to kick you in the assfirst?"
What," replied the Marine, "and have you two *******s report
that I was the aggressor?

Proof that there is something for everyone:

http://www.gnomeland.co.uk/Shop-ceramic-rude%203.html

Biology Class
>
>
>
>
>Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
>last question was: "Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk." Worth 70
>points
>or none at all.
>One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to
>think
>of seven advantages.
>
>He wrote:
>
>1. It is perfect formula for the child.
>2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
>3. It is always at the right temperature.
>4. It is inexpensive.
>5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
>6. It is always available as needed.
>
>And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
>bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
>
>7. It comes in such cute containers.
>

JADE, my friend's 16-year- old grandson, stopped by on his way to his friend's home in the country. Since central Alberta was experiencing temperatures of -30C, she was concerned about his safety and asked, "Do you have something with you to keep from freezing if you go in the ditch: "Yes," he replied, "a cellular phone."

Concentration Test for Men

http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf


(ball? what ball?)

Wow, what a great test. I played that for a long time. Was afraid once I got it right that the test would end.

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of his characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, that's simple. Every day, just take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." So feeling poorly about my self-image, and willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think that by rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my small breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man.