A full Colonel with the IG team was inspecting a fighter group at Paine Field, Washington in the early 60's.

He was walking near the base exchange when a young Airman walked by and failed to salute.

The flabbergasted Colonel stopped the young man and asked him if he had just saluted him??

The young Airman simply replied "No sir! Must have been someone else."

Have a friend who needs a special card:

http://www.wegotcards.com/preview.cgi?cat=13004?supercat=13000

Laziest Soldier
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble, sarge."

senior special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!"

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS. WE'VE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME!!

funny video

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up."

Some oldies but still funny



Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

**********
Husband asks , "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever !!!"

**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when your girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

**********
Teacher to student: Do you know the importance of a period?
Student: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
had a heart attack & our gardener ran away.

**********
A woman asked a man who was traveling with six children, all these kids are yours???
No, he replied, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

**********
A son asks his dad what is the difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident.
Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!

**********
Mother asks her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints... --

Requesting a three day pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Landing at a hidden military base

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Q & A Iraqi War Jokes

Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?

A: DUCK!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?

A: You shout out, "B-52"


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The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that :

Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.

Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?

A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?

A: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?

A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?

A: A refund.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?

A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.

Murphy's Combat Laws
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

Murphy's Law
The Army Weather Corollaries

Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.

A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.

The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.

There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.

There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.

Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.

Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.

Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?

The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.

Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.

The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.

The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.

If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

Rules of the Rucksack

1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.

2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.

3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.

4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Phillip's Law:

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Weatherwax's Postulate:

The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

Least Credible Sentences:

1. The check is in the mail.

2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.

3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.

4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

Brintnall's Second Law:

If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:

1. Refute the last established recommendation.

2. Add yours.

3. Pass the paper on.

Oliver's Law:

Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws:

1. Never be first.

2. Never be last.

3. Never volunteer for anything.

Rune's Rule:

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):

You get the most of what you need the least.

Hane's Law:

There is no limit to how bad things can get.

High military ranks

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.

"I am a dope," whispered Reggie.

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed:

1] Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Town [ to get me ]

2] Multiple Personality Disorder: we Three Kiongs are Disoriented Are

3] Dementia: I Think I'll be home for Christmas

4] Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing [ About Me ]

5] Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Street and Stores and the Office and the Twon and the cars and buses and...

6] Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

7] Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8] Agressive : You Better Watch Out!

9] ADD: Silent Night, Holy....was that a frog?...is there any chocolate?...oh...

10] Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jingle Bells....

Can't remember who said this...

Three Rules of Involvement in Civil War

1. Don't

2. If you did, don't choose sides.

3. If you choose sides, pick the winning one.

Hollywood Math Quiz:
1] a 750 ml bottle of Grey Goose vodka holds 16 shots. If Paris, Lindsay and Britney start drinking at 8 p.m. and each has 4 shots per hour, how long will it take before they need to be 'comped' with a new bottle?

2] Britney has 2 babies but is too busy to take care of them. Paris says she wants 4 babies before she turns 25 and Madonna wants another baby in the next year. If Britney can produce one baby per year, how long before she can make enough for everyone?

3] Britney, Lindsay and Paris have 2 pairs of panties between them. They want to get from the the VIP lounge to the limo without flashing the paparazzi in as few trips as possbile. determine a method for all to get to the limo and on to the next party without indecent exposure.

4] Nicole ritchie was stopped for driving the wrong way on the freeway. She claimed not to be drunk but to having mixed, by mistake, prescription medication with some pot. If she weighs only 85 pounds and only takes pills and smokes weed, how long before she disappears all together from weight loss?