A grandson came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?

Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea"

Gynecologist Visit

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,

"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.

"Do you know what I am doing now?"

he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came

here in the first place."

Men & Women



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife and I go out two nights a week.
I Go on Wednesday & Friday
and she goes on Thursday & Saturday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All men make mistakes
but the married ones
find out about it a lot sooner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never believe in 'love at first sight'.
It's always best to take a second look.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven't spoken to my wife
in eighteen months;
I don't want to interrupt her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our marriage was OK
until we bought a waterbed.
Then we seemed to drift apart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you know that men's brains
are like our prison system?
Not enough cells, per man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best reason for
getting a divorce
is for health reasons.
Your mate makes you sick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never trust a man
who says he's the boss at home.
He'll lie about other things too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you want a man,
go for a younger one.
They never mature anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did the Amish wife
apply for a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I knew a guy whose wife is so ugly
that he takes her to work with him so
he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy, comes home from school and says,
"Dad, I got a part in the school play;
I play a husband."
The father says,
"Too bad, you didn't get a speaking part."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the
invisible man and woman
who got married?
Their children aren't
much to look at!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a man is in the forest,
talking to himself,
with NO women for miles around,
is he still wrong?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a woman is in the forest,
talking to herself,
with NO man for miles around,
is she still complaining?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a friend who is so ugly that
when he walks into a bank,
the cameras shut themselves off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whenever you find a man
who would make a good husband---
You find out he already IS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are more jokes here.Jokes

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked,” If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked
"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years”
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself
tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that, I know that I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments
and wine.”

Well gentlemen do you get the drift!!!

There was a church down in Lousiana that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour and astringent, they well make
her mouth pucker up and she won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning, the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumstanthis bewond my contwol we will not haf a thermon tewday."

Halloween


An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, "you're going out like that?" and he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

I excel at not giving a shit.

Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation beget disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C Equals A, or whatever.

I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed.

Bad people are punished by society's laws, and good people are punished by Murphy's Law. So you see my dilemma.

ROFLMFAO! I hope they aint two boys

A rancher was selling his peaches door to
door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40
something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee
answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and
asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and
asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a
little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off
asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from
the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her
negligee and asked, "Are
they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my
corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado
leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed
out of my peaches."

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM CAUSE CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet Glass Being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet Improper Bladder Control Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes You have fallen forward See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark Bar has closed Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles You are dancing on the table Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup You're in the ladies' room Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps You're in a gay bar Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song Beer is just right Play air guitar

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

( I just LOVE reading this next line again and again )





"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a

larger congregation that will pay him more.



There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants

him to leave.



Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the

City stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays,

I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and

his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their

children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and

applauds.



Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor,

stands and say "If the Preacher will stay on here,

I'll personally

double his salary, and also establish a foundation to

guarantee the college education of all his

children!." More sighs and loud applause.



Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a

smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex,"

There is total silence.



The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones,

whatever poss essed you to say that?"



Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to

hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand

and shaking his head from side to side while his wife

replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could

help, and he said "Screw the Preacher."