Those where priceless PT!

Hey, mech, I got a whole pot of steaming hot java for you. It's about 300 yards out. Go for it! (Duck).

For coffee I'd bet I'd make it

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of it's own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60- 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

LMAO...KIWI-- caught me between sips of coffee, I was very lucky....got the cup down on the desk with spilling just a little bit.

SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of "Guns & Ammo" magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim: I went for more ammunition. Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your truck till I get back."

LMAO! I found this funny, but then again I am a woman. Heheheeee....

Why Cats are Better than Men

1. Cats keep their opinions to themselves.
2. Cats don't criticise your mother.
3. Cats never question how much you're eating.
4. Cats never claim they know how to fix larger appliances.
5. Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep.
6. Cats are happy to let you drive.
7. Cats always look good first thing in the morning.
8. One good purr can be worth a thousand words.
9. Cats don't complain when you get a short haircut.
10. Cats love it when you go shopping.
11. Cats never return the gifts you get them.
12. Cats are able to keep the romance alive.
13. Cats don't have mid-life crises.
14. Cats don't leave the loo seat up.
15. Cats always respect you in the morning.
16. Cats never need a round of applause.
17. Cats never ask if you've ironed their favourite shirt.
18. Cats never ask if you're going to lie in that bath all night.
19. Cats don't ask you to get off your sickbed to do the washing up.
20. Cats never ask if you're really going out looking like that.
21. Cats don't get the hump if you've got a headache.
22. Cats never ask you about your previous boyfriends.
23. Cats think you look great in your towelling robe and fluffy slippers.
24. Cats don't take the last beer from the fridge.
25. Cats don't give you whisker-rash.
26. Cats don't expect you to choose, buy and wrap their families' Christmas presents.
27. Cats don't leave dead teabags on the work surface.
28. Cats don't sulk when you tell them you're going out with your girlfriends.

A Blonde Nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,

"Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some asshole's got my pen.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION )*(&#(*)&)(#%)jld*(&#*#***!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-BITCH... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

Is this a personal complaint, guns?

Re the TASER. I've seen demonstrations, what I don't understand is how the device can convert the energy of a couple of AAAs into anything so potent?

I think its done with capacitors, but haven't taken one apart to see whats inside.

Thought it was a good description of what happens when curiosity gets the better of you. He really should of picked the darn cat to test it on......

8 Qualities of a Perfect Husband

Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

And if all else fails, well......
read the CAPITAL LETTERS only

When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.


Ever wonder why?



Because she smells like a new truck!