The Purina Diet
I have a Miniature Doberman and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog (?).

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I emphasised that I know I really shouldn't try it again, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.


I thought the black guy was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing so hard he couldn't breathe .

...and here's your sign...

Can't remember if I mentioned this before....

Confirming a phone number with an MP over the phone just a few weeks ago:

"That's 8-6-3-9?"

"No, it's eighty-six, thirty-nine."

"Uhm, OK...so, that's eighty-six, thirty-nine?"

"Yep, now you got it."


Here's your sign.

I have a game for you guys try it you will like it.

Slots for men

*NO SEX SINCE 1955*

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a

local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,

idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant

Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious

man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks

like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You

know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the

wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit

taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took

his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax"

him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest

and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact

voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME !!!!

Prostitute's Tax Return

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask
you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says. The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work; too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."


"Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "How about 'elite chicken farmer’."

Stunned, the accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a high-end call girl?"


"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

......."Good enough!"

Typical Male


Alice was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband Bob and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

Bob was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. Bob finally agreed and went into Alice's room.

After a few minutes Alice's monitor "flat lined" -- no pulse, no heart >rate.


The nurses ran into the room.

Bob was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

Yep,the Coachman is back.

LMAO!! Honey is that what you were carrying on about.

Oh my your one sick puppy, but you crack me up.

A blonde walks into a bar and says, "ouch!"

NEW SIGN ON THE TURNPIKE

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over
there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

http://www.comedy-zone.net/index.htm

The Iranian President had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back At him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly @#%$ bitch he's runnin' around with."

Sex for the First Time

A couple were sitting up waiting for their 15 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the
house with a big smile on his face.
Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! "he said breathlessly. "Guess
what! I've just had sex
for the first time, and it was wonderful!" His
mother turned red and said
to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've
become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you do n't mind waiting till payday to get it".

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway.
My ass is too sore............."