Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day

unexpected place to find this!

The Kid From Brooklyn is hilarious and on the mark, but he's not very politically correct:

http://www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com/video_disp.asp?videoid=1263

OK, got my Redneck Joke:
Redneck calls 911 panicked: "It's my friend, I think he's dead!"
Operator: "Well, calm down now, first, let's make sure he's dead..."
Redneck: BANG! "OK, now what?"

lol, to laugh, I come here

A Living Will

My better half and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So, she got up, unplugged the tv and threw out all my beer. Bitch!

Rocketeer wasn't feeling too well so he went to the doctor who did a bunch of tests and then came back looking grim..

"I hate to break it to you like this, but I'm afraid things are terminal..you left it so late that I'm afraid you have, maybe, one day to live.".

Rocketeer went home and told the Good Padre the sad news.. She looked at him and said.. "So what are you going to do with your last day?"
Rocketeer smiled and said.. "Well, If I goota go, I'd like to go out reliving the passionate sex filled night we had on our honeymoon."

so off they head to bed.. About 5 hours later the Good Padre says.." Geez, give it a rest.. I'm not as young as I was 35 years ago..."
Rocketeer began to pout.. " Just once more, what ya say? "
the Good Padre looked at him.. " Listen, I have to get up for work tomorrow, you don't !"

Things best left unsaid at a funeral..

1] I still remember our last conversation. he said, " I'll see you tomorrow." makes you think. Oh, and he told me that if anything should happen to him I could have his Porche. So, when you have a second, I'll just grab the keys.. no rush..

2] Oh, great.. Am I the only one who brought balloons?

3] What kind of world is this? Where a no-good burglar could sneak into Dwight's house, creep up behind him, and bludgeon him to death with my wrench - I mean, an unknown weapon that was never recovered and defintely isn't in my garage..

4] He looks so peaceful and stressfree, which is weird given how much he cheated on his wife.

5] You know what they say; live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse. Unless you're ugly like this guy. And...I guess Guidence Counsellors don't really live fast.. Still he did die young so that's one out of three

6] Dude! Funniest . Funeral.. Ever!!

7] Farted? Me? no way. I think it was the widow. Mourning makes you gassy..

8] So what are you going to do with the leftover salmon rolls? Because I could totally take them home if that would help you through this terrible time..

9] You know what they say..Karen died like she lived... falling down the stairs.. never understood that expression really..

10] Take a whiff!.. It still has that new coffin smell..

11] Do you think his cronic masterbation had anything to do with it?

12] You're supposed to put coins on his eyes? I thought it was marshmallows..my bad...

13] So where are all the single chicks? I mean, there's Susie, but I'd feel weird hitting on her before Jack's even in the ground. I guess I could cirlce around and catch her at the gravesite..

14] One word.. Taxidermy.. just think about it.. Here's my card...

15] No, son.. death isn't the end. It's just the part where your body rots and your eyes fall out and worms eat you and you can never see or hear or say anything ever again. and the rest of the story is pretty boring after that.

16] Man, nobody could slam back those triple-patty bacon cheddar special sauce burgers like ol' Donnie. Oh, how we'd egg him on.. Just one more, Donnie! You can do it! go for two! - what? Are you ever going to stop crying?

17] Pete I know it feels like it's all your fault, and, I guess, in a way it is...

18] They say he slept with over 300 women.. wonder how many of them would want to sleep with him now?

19] How about after this we go out for some stippers?

20] I think we can all agree that Harry has always been the kindest, most considerate and loving man any of us has ever known, not like the dead guy, Rick.. what a prick he was..

21] What do you mean, you can't believe she's gone? she's right there..dead

22] You know, I bet it's not too late to cut off the head and stuff garlic into the opening.

23] Anna, I'm very sorry for your loss..You and Frank were great together..I have to admit that when you two first met I bet you wouldn't last two years.. so, it looks like you owe me $ 20... what? you better believe death counts!

24] Well, grandma, I guess you're next...


17]

Genie and the Taliban

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

A Marine and sailor are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands.
"Hey," says the sailor, "in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands."

"In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands."
NO OFFENSE TO OUR NAVY GUYS !

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

Sorry if this one has already been told.....uhr, written

There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary code, and those who don't.

A list of common military lingo for each service

http://www.chairforce.com/easy-chair/humor/military-lingo.htm

The Three Stars

One day Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sean Connery were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Chuck was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Norris.

Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Chuck was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''

A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Connery is coming back with a watermelon.'''

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.



Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

an oldie but still a funny

HaHa - What were you thinking?